POSA™ Blog

PoSARC or The Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center educates, nurtures and helps partners work with the challenges of being coupled with a sexually deceptive, chronic cheater.

Your Questions Answered (Video): “Why Do I Stay?” The Biochemistry of the Loyalty Bond

Your Questions Answered (Video): “Why Do I Stay?” The Biochemistry of the Loyalty Bond

In trying to shed light on the most common questions our readers and clients ask, we often find "Big Themes".

This week we will explore one such big theme, the "Why do I stay?" question which partners often ask themselves at different points along the way: right after Discovery, and if the shattered trust in the Betraying Partner is not being met with earnest efforts demonstrating remorse and repair within some time after Discovery.

(Video Length - 27:44)

This question of "why do I stay?" is often borne out of extreme frustration if one finds oneself giving the Betraying Mate chance after chance after chance, nothing much is changing and yet one inexplicably feels too stuck to move.

There are many vectors that can feed into that stuck feeling, so for our first video, we will be exploring the intense chemical bonds that can make detaching, creating distance and acting out of our own self-preservation so difficult to consider. These chemicals originate in the more primitive part of the brain and as such, are part of our survival "hardware". No wonder they're so powerful!

Our hope is that in better understanding the strong forces at work that may be keeping partners from feeling more in control of their own emotional states and choices, that over time, partners can begin making more empowered decisions for themselves and their families.

As we like to say here, Knowledge is Power!

Towards that goal, join us here in this first of a series of educational videos exploring "Why do I stay?"


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Comments 37

Guest - Lori on Thursday, 03 August 2017 02:23

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years is a sex addict. He doesn't insist that I do anything too graphic, however he looks at porn sites and hook-up sites. Last year while planning a birthday party for him I saw several pictures of women he had at his house and they were definitely prostitutes, prior to our committed relationship. He also likes going to Thailand and I saw pictures from 2 different trips when we were dating but not committed. I'm disturbed, because he wanted to post some things for sale on Craigslist and I saw that he had looked at a WFM profile. I emailed the profile and told her I found him searching and I would take care of him, she needed to take care of herself and be safe. I have a feeling that right now he is out doing something or at least contemplating.
He spoils me and we just started cohabitating a month ago. I'm distressed.

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years is a sex addict. He doesn't insist that I do anything too graphic, however he looks at porn sites and hook-up sites. Last year while planning a birthday party for him I saw several pictures of women he had at his house and they were definitely prostitutes, prior to our committed relationship. He also likes going to Thailand and I saw pictures from 2 different trips when we were dating but not committed. I'm disturbed, because he wanted to post some things for sale on Craigslist and I saw that he had looked at a WFM profile. I emailed the profile and told her I found him searching and I would take care of him, she needed to take care of herself and be safe. I have a feeling that right now he is out doing something or at least contemplating. He spoils me and we just started cohabitating a month ago. I'm distressed.:(
Guest - cva on Friday, 11 August 2017 17:25

Hi Again Lori,

I forgot to mention this...my husband of 25 years, has chosen his addiction over all we've built: the home, the children, our marriage, the business we own, all of it. This addiction how now left ME in a place of fear and hopelessness.
Please listen to your intuition and again, re-read what Lili Bee said.

With love

Hi Again Lori, I forgot to mention this...my husband of 25 years, has chosen his addiction over all we've built: the home, the children, our marriage, the business we own, all of it. This addiction how now left ME in a place of fear and hopelessness. Please listen to your intuition and again, re-read what Lili Bee said. With love
Guest - cva on Friday, 11 August 2017 12:42

Please Please Lori, Listen to Lili Bee. Don't get stuck with this person. Once in, it is extremely hard to get out. You're young and I promise, you will recover and feel better. PLEASE.
I'm stuck and it consumes me each and every day, from the moment I wake until I fall asleep. It is a terrible way to live. It eats at you until you have no self respect or self worth. I have to wait at least another two years before I can get him out. And trust me, I feel like a damn fool.
Please Lori, re-read what Lili Bee said...
Hugs and love

Please Please Lori, Listen to Lili Bee. Don't get stuck with this person. Once in, it is extremely hard to get out. You're young and I promise, you will recover and feel better. PLEASE. I'm stuck and it consumes me each and every day, from the moment I wake until I fall asleep. It is a terrible way to live. It eats at you until you have no self respect or self worth. I have to wait at least another two years before I can get him out. And trust me, I feel like a damn fool. Please Lori, re-read what Lili Bee said... Hugs and love
Guest - Avey on Saturday, 19 August 2017 04:17

Hi CVA,
I feel your pain. I too feel stuck in a relationship. I've actually tried to leave two other times but would always go back because of my fear of raising and supporting a child on my own, my anxiety over how it would impact my child, my hopes that my husband would get better, and my immense fear of being alone. I reflect on these decisions now and shake my head. I mean all of my fears not only came true but have been magnified! Our finances have been impacted and we have so many more bills than I would have had if I had been the only spender. My son feels like he has lost his childhood since the discovery because I was so broken I couldn't be there for him. My husband hasn't been a real father to him but more of a friend. My husband has not gotten better in the 3 years since discovery and our marriage is the same desolate love and sex starved desert it's always been. As for my fears of being alone, well I have been lonely for our entire marriage. I always ask why I don't just leave and cut my losses but I find myself frozen...stuck. I know that one day I will get so fed up I will leave or maybe I'll get lucky and he'll leave. Either way, Ive started working on my own recovery and childhood traumas so that I will NOT get into another relationship like this one!

Hi CVA, I feel your pain. I too feel stuck in a relationship. I've actually tried to leave two other times but would always go back because of my fear of raising and supporting a child on my own, my anxiety over how it would impact my child, my hopes that my husband would get better, and my immense fear of being alone. I reflect on these decisions now and shake my head. I mean all of my fears not only came true but have been magnified! Our finances have been impacted and we have so many more bills than I would have had if I had been the only spender. My son feels like he has lost his childhood since the discovery because I was so broken I couldn't be there for him. My husband hasn't been a real father to him but more of a friend. My husband has not gotten better in the 3 years since discovery and our marriage is the same desolate love and sex starved desert it's always been. As for my fears of being alone, well I have been lonely for our entire marriage. I always ask why I don't just leave and cut my losses but I find myself frozen...stuck. I know that one day I will get so fed up I will leave or maybe I'll get lucky and he'll leave. Either way, Ive started working on my own recovery and childhood traumas so that I will NOT get into another relationship like this one!
Guest - CVA on Tuesday, 29 August 2017 22:30

Hi Avey,

I know......I hate this place. My husband denies all of it. When I told him I saw the videos, he says he does it to relax. When I said I saw the videos of the women "receiving" his videos, he says, "you can find anything on the internet". I think he has no clue what he has done, what the damage is, none of it. He is content thinking we will live like this forever. He doesn't think he has an addiction. What he doesn't know is I'm saving money as best I can, going to see an attorney to find out what my options are, stuff like that.

I have to say, like you, I am as scared as I can be. I'm 58 and have a daughter in college. I can't earn enough to make it on my own, I haven't worked outside the home in 26 years, I'm not college educated. I was lucky to find a part time job, however again, it's not enough. We are self employed and when I ask him to leave, I have no guarantee he will work and pay support. In the past, and this is why I'm in such a hole, he went into a funk, didn't work or try to find work, and we used ALL our savings. Nothing is left. Nothing.

Please don't blame yourself for not leaving. We always hope they will get better and as you know, it is very hard these days to try and raise a child on your own. Remember, you were trying your best!!! Do not blame yourself for something HE did. I know how hard this is to do, quite frankly, I do it too. But, if you keep reading the posts here, you will come to realize we did nothing wrong. You will find the courage when the time is right for YOU. You are strong and will get through all of it. Remember, if nothing else, we are all here for each other. A terrible "club" to be in, but one with great support and love.

Try to keep moving toward the recovery we all know is there waiting for us. Do things you love to do. Remember it is not your fault and you are perfect!

I'm here for you Avey and will keep you in my thoughts.

Hugs and love


Hi Avey, I know......I hate this place. My husband denies all of it. When I told him I saw the videos, he says he does it to relax. When I said I saw the videos of the women "receiving" his videos, he says, "you can find anything on the internet". I think he has no clue what he has done, what the damage is, none of it. He is content thinking we will live like this forever. He doesn't think he has an addiction. What he doesn't know is I'm saving money as best I can, going to see an attorney to find out what my options are, stuff like that. I have to say, like you, I am as scared as I can be. I'm 58 and have a daughter in college. I can't earn enough to make it on my own, I haven't worked outside the home in 26 years, I'm not college educated. I was lucky to find a part time job, however again, it's not enough. We are self employed and when I ask him to leave, I have no guarantee he will work and pay support. In the past, and this is why I'm in such a hole, he went into a funk, didn't work or try to find work, and we used ALL our savings. Nothing is left. Nothing. Please don't blame yourself for not leaving. We always hope they will get better and as you know, it is very hard these days to try and raise a child on your own. Remember, you were trying your best!!! Do not blame yourself for something HE did. I know how hard this is to do, quite frankly, I do it too. But, if you keep reading the posts here, you will come to realize we did nothing wrong. You will find the courage when the time is right for YOU. You are strong and will get through all of it. Remember, if nothing else, we are all here for each other. A terrible "club" to be in, but one with great support and love. Try to keep moving toward the recovery we all know is there waiting for us. Do things you love to do. Remember it is not your fault and you are perfect! I'm here for you Avey and will keep you in my thoughts. Hugs and love
Guest - Lili Bee on Thursday, 03 August 2017 03:17

Hi Lori- What I've found over the years doing this work, is that our intuition is usually spot-on. We get in trouble when we override it.
Where you write, "I have a feeling that right now he is out doing something or at least contemplating"....Please trust your gut on this!

I spent weeks in the hospital (and almost died) from a wicked pelvic inflammatory disease not once, but three separate times over the course of a few years because I refused to believe my husband could have been cheating-- after all, we were newlyweds!
He spoiled me like crazy, so I simply couldn't connect the dots of me having contracted that horrible illness with his using prostitutes....it took years before I had confirmation of that, because he covered his tracks so well. But I found out. Too bad it was too late- I was left unable to have children and still have complications, decades later. My story is NOT unique, I hear stories like mine every week here...

PLEASE take seriously what your gut is telling you...and don't mistake thinking that you two have a good thing going on, so why would he look for outside sex...And do you mind if I ask you-- why are you ok with his being on hookup sites? Let me guess...he tells you he's just looking, nothing more...

We are all rooting for you here! I'm glad you found us....and I'm sorry you are struggling with any of this.

Hi Lori- What I've found over the years doing this work, is that our intuition is usually spot-on. We get in trouble when we override it. Where you write, "I have a feeling that right now he is out doing something or at least contemplating"....Please trust your gut on this! I spent weeks in the hospital (and almost died) from a wicked pelvic inflammatory disease not once, but three separate times over the course of a few years because I refused to believe my husband could have been cheating-- after all, we were newlyweds! He spoiled me like crazy, so I simply couldn't connect the dots of me having contracted that horrible illness with his using prostitutes....it took years before I had confirmation of that, because he covered his tracks so well. But I found out. Too bad it was too late- I was left unable to have children and still have complications, decades later. My story is NOT unique, I hear stories like mine every week here... PLEASE take seriously what your gut is telling you...and don't mistake thinking that you two have a good thing going on, so why would he look for outside sex...And do you mind if I ask you-- why are you ok with his being on hookup sites? Let me guess...he tells you he's just looking, nothing more... We are all rooting for you here! I'm glad you found us....and I'm sorry you are struggling with any of this.
Guest - JinnyC on Monday, 26 June 2017 17:12

I believe that my husband is a cross dresser but I believe that he is a sex addict and more specifically a porn addict. He told me about this several years ago when I had gotten upset thinking that he was having an affair. I thought I could be ok with it and he did dress several times. But, then I found that I just could not handle it, that I didn't like the person he was when he was "female", this person was very different from the man I married and not anyone I would be friends with. At that point I let him know that I was not ok after all and that if he needed to continue dressing I could not stay with him. Things were bad with us for a while, then he told me that our marriage was more important and he got rid of all of his dressing things and told me that he was done with it.

Many sites say that there is nothing wrong with cross dressing, that the spouse (me) needs to accept this part of him, but I'm not buying that because he has told me several times that he won't. Things were calm for quite a while and then I discovered that he had secretly been shopping for women's clothes, and that he had created an online female identity that he was using to chat with men I guess. I found this identity on several chat sites and I read many of the posts and conversations that he was having and was shocked at what he was saying to these people. He told me that he has never met anyone in person and that any relationships have been only online. I do believe him about this, or at least at that time I think it was true.

I confronted him, we went to a therapist for a while, talked about everything, and then our schedules got busy and therapy ended, but he had agreed that it was an addiction for him, and said again that he would not do any of these things again. There were probably a few more times in between these two where I discovered things showing that he was dressing again or somehow involved with it and each time I confronted him he agreed that he would stop. Things seemed very good after we had seen this therapist, and he had been planning to do one on one work to deal with the addiction, but due to various things, he began working 7 days a week and making time for this didn't seem important and since things seemed ok I didn't push it. While we were in therapy I told him that I couldn't trust his word any longer and that I didn't know how to be in a relationship with someone I couldn't trust. I had told him there would be no divorce because financially it would be devastating for me and I don't want to be in that situation. I told him that our marriage as it was would end however and that we would be "roomies".

Things have seemed great for a year or more now and then last night when he was at work I opened his laptop to use it and found it opened to a page showing all sorts of tranny porn. I confronted him via texts and he has again said he will end it all. Obviously there is no way to believe him.

I am now struggling with how to handle all of this. This obviously is an addiction since it is something that he has said several times he will stop yet he isn't able to stay away from it even knowing that doing so will/could end our marriage. I am devastated that I will never be able to trust him or relax about this. I don't want to end our marriage, as we are or at least were good friends and enjoy doing things together. But I'm finding it hard to wrap my head around being intimate with him knowing that he was looking at the tranny stuff and obviously must have been turned on by it. I know I need time to process all of this and would like to get to where I can accept our relationship being very different. We just had our 11 year anniversary which now seems like such a farce.

I realize that this is quite long and I'm not sure if any of this makes sense or if anyone else will consider this an addition but many of the comments I had read seem very similar to my situation.

I believe that my husband is a cross dresser but I believe that he is a sex addict and more specifically a porn addict. He told me about this several years ago when I had gotten upset thinking that he was having an affair. I thought I could be ok with it and he did dress several times. But, then I found that I just could not handle it, that I didn't like the person he was when he was "female", this person was very different from the man I married and not anyone I would be friends with. At that point I let him know that I was not ok after all and that if he needed to continue dressing I could not stay with him. Things were bad with us for a while, then he told me that our marriage was more important and he got rid of all of his dressing things and told me that he was done with it. Many sites say that there is nothing wrong with cross dressing, that the spouse (me) needs to accept this part of him, but I'm not buying that because he has told me several times that he won't. Things were calm for quite a while and then I discovered that he had secretly been shopping for women's clothes, and that he had created an online female identity that he was using to chat with men I guess. I found this identity on several chat sites and I read many of the posts and conversations that he was having and was shocked at what he was saying to these people. He told me that he has never met anyone in person and that any relationships have been only online. I do believe him about this, or at least at that time I think it was true. I confronted him, we went to a therapist for a while, talked about everything, and then our schedules got busy and therapy ended, but he had agreed that it was an addiction for him, and said again that he would not do any of these things again. There were probably a few more times in between these two where I discovered things showing that he was dressing again or somehow involved with it and each time I confronted him he agreed that he would stop. Things seemed very good after we had seen this therapist, and he had been planning to do one on one work to deal with the addiction, but due to various things, he began working 7 days a week and making time for this didn't seem important and since things seemed ok I didn't push it. While we were in therapy I told him that I couldn't trust his word any longer and that I didn't know how to be in a relationship with someone I couldn't trust. I had told him there would be no divorce because financially it would be devastating for me and I don't want to be in that situation. I told him that our marriage as it was would end however and that we would be "roomies". Things have seemed great for a year or more now and then last night when he was at work I opened his laptop to use it and found it opened to a page showing all sorts of tranny porn. I confronted him via texts and he has again said he will end it all. Obviously there is no way to believe him. I am now struggling with how to handle all of this. This obviously is an addiction since it is something that he has said several times he will stop yet he isn't able to stay away from it even knowing that doing so will/could end our marriage. I am devastated that I will never be able to trust him or relax about this. I don't want to end our marriage, as we are or at least were good friends and enjoy doing things together. But I'm finding it hard to wrap my head around being intimate with him knowing that he was looking at the tranny stuff and obviously must have been turned on by it. I know I need time to process all of this and would like to get to where I can accept our relationship being very different. We just had our 11 year anniversary which now seems like such a farce. I realize that this is quite long and I'm not sure if any of this makes sense or if anyone else will consider this an addition but many of the comments I had read seem very similar to my situation.
Guest - AW on Saturday, 03 June 2017 22:45

Thank you for this video. I came across it looking for guidance on whether I should finally leave or not.
I am one of the hidden victims of this illness, I'm a male who's female partner has the addiction. I understand most of the betrayers are male, but I hope everyone realizes it is almost worse being a male who has to live with this shame. Not only does my wife act out with other males, but females too! There is no such thing as a safe relationship for me, and I too feel trapped. I've been in SANON for almost 3 years, but still ride the roller coaster of emotions due to my spouse's periodic acting out. I do my best to set boundaries but then fail to follow through on consequences, hoping and praying she won't act out again. I'm tired and very very lonely.

Thank you for this video. I came across it looking for guidance on whether I should finally leave or not. I am one of the hidden victims of this illness, I'm a male who's female partner has the addiction. I understand most of the betrayers are male, but I hope everyone realizes it is almost worse being a male who has to live with this shame. Not only does my wife act out with other males, but females too! There is no such thing as a safe relationship for me, and I too feel trapped. I've been in SANON for almost 3 years, but still ride the roller coaster of emotions due to my spouse's periodic acting out. I do my best to set boundaries but then fail to follow through on consequences, hoping and praying she won't act out again. I'm tired and very very lonely.
Guest - CVA on Friday, 16 June 2017 11:24

Dear AW,

Please know you are not alone. We all share the same pain and emotions.

Please continue to watch the videos. They are very helpful to understand this crazy roller coaster we are on.

No one can tell you if you should stay or leave. That is something you will find in your heart when the time is right. For now, try to take care of yourself and the answers will come.

For me, AlAnon is helpful because I never knew how powerful addictions really are. I question everyday how could he do this when I'm here and love him unconditionally. I live with shame everyday , but I am finally realizing this has nothing to do with me. This is a lesson VERY hard to understand and learn. I try everyday to "get" it.

As you continue reading the comments and blogs here, you will see there is hope. Hope that we will move on, hope that we will find love again, hope that this is not our fault in any way.

Stay strong, know you are not "hidden".

Sending love and prayers




Dear AW, Please know you are not alone. We all share the same pain and emotions. Please continue to watch the videos. They are very helpful to understand this crazy roller coaster we are on. No one can tell you if you should stay or leave. That is something you will find in your heart when the time is right. For now, try to take care of yourself and the answers will come. For me, AlAnon is helpful because I never knew how powerful addictions really are. I question everyday how could he do this when I'm here and love him unconditionally. I live with shame everyday , but I am finally realizing this has nothing to do with me. This is a lesson VERY hard to understand and learn. I try everyday to "get" it. As you continue reading the comments and blogs here, you will see there is hope. Hope that we will move on, hope that we will find love again, hope that this is not our fault in any way. Stay strong, know you are not "hidden". Sending love and prayers
Kathy on Thursday, 13 April 2017 15:05

I found this video at just the perfect time, when I had once again confronted my husband about his recovery and once again feeling like the crazy person in the relationship. This video made me understand so much about why I have stayed for 40 years with my SA, and is the first thing that has made me realize that I can implement boundaries and even my Plan B, and that I will be okay. Thank you Lili Bee for this absolutely PRICELESS website and your wonderful words of wisdom and clarity.
Please let me know where I can find the next video on Cognitive Dissonance.

I found this video at just the perfect time, when I had once again confronted my husband about his recovery and once again feeling like the crazy person in the relationship. This video made me understand so much about why I have stayed for 40 years with my SA, and is the first thing that has made me realize that I can implement boundaries and even my Plan B, and that I will be okay. Thank you Lili Bee for this absolutely PRICELESS website and your wonderful words of wisdom and clarity. Please let me know where I can find the next video on Cognitive Dissonance.
Guest - Bee on Saturday, 20 May 2017 15:10

I would also love to watch the follow up video on cognitive dissonance.

I would also love to watch the follow up video on cognitive dissonance.
Guest - Jean on Friday, 14 April 2017 03:06

Hi Kathy, I hear your pain and understand. I responded to this video in November 2016 and added an update a few days ago which is on "Page 2". My name is Jean. It sounds like maybe our experiences are similar. My husband and I have been married for almost 36 years. Like you, I, too, was made to feel like I was the "crazy one".... we're not.... we're the Strong ones.

Hi Kathy, I hear your pain and understand. I responded to this video in November 2016 and added an update a few days ago which is on "Page 2". My name is Jean. It sounds like maybe our experiences are similar. My husband and I have been married for almost 36 years. Like you, I, too, was made to feel like I was the "crazy one".... we're not.... we're the Strong ones.
Guest - Becky on Wednesday, 08 March 2017 03:45

I just found this site. I have an unusual situation. My husband and I had been together for over twenty years. He has had a problem with pornography throughout the years off and on (so I thought). I went through a lot of health problems and treatments the past couple of years. He assured me that he was no longer interested in pornography since he had problems himself with having sex. Well, he had heart surgery in December and died 2 days later totally unexpectedly of complications. Anyhow, I was going through his email to see if there were any bills that needed paid and came upon some notes he sent to himself via email with women's names and descriptors attached. I googles the phone numbers and found out they were escorts. I then discovered old emails through a google account with multiple pornography sites and searches for massage parlors (nude and erotic). I always paid most of the bills and got the cell phone bills online so I never checked the usage. Well...I couldn't believe what I saw. Multiple texts and phone messages on most days and throughout the day! I went from being in extreme grief from his unexpected death to this extreme grief from learning of the vast infidelity (either looking or actively participating, I'm not certain). The issue is that I can't even confront him or ever get any answers because he's dead. That may be a blessing in the long run, but I miss him because he was the kindest, most attentive man and constantly told me how much he loved me. Was it all a lie or is it possible that he actually loved me but couldn't control his addiction? I don't know where to turn and feel so betrayed and humiliated. Thank you for all the information on this site.

I just found this site. I have an unusual situation. My husband and I had been together for over twenty years. He has had a problem with pornography throughout the years off and on (so I thought). I went through a lot of health problems and treatments the past couple of years. He assured me that he was no longer interested in pornography since he had problems himself with having sex. Well, he had heart surgery in December and died 2 days later totally unexpectedly of complications. Anyhow, I was going through his email to see if there were any bills that needed paid and came upon some notes he sent to himself via email with women's names and descriptors attached. I googles the phone numbers and found out they were escorts. I then discovered old emails through a google account with multiple pornography sites and searches for massage parlors (nude and erotic). I always paid most of the bills and got the cell phone bills online so I never checked the usage. Well...I couldn't believe what I saw. Multiple texts and phone messages on most days and throughout the day! I went from being in extreme grief from his unexpected death to this extreme grief from learning of the vast infidelity (either looking or actively participating, I'm not certain). The issue is that I can't even confront him or ever get any answers because he's dead. That may be a blessing in the long run, but I miss him because he was the kindest, most attentive man and constantly told me how much he loved me. Was it all a lie or is it possible that he actually loved me but couldn't control his addiction? I don't know where to turn and feel so betrayed and humiliated. Thank you for all the information on this site.
Guest - ENglishPatient on Wednesday, 08 March 2017 18:30

Hi,
I have just read your message and I want to put my arms around you and hold you. After 26 years of marriage I left my husband because of his porn addiction. After 6 months and missing the nice, loving side of him which I experienced throughout my marriage, I went back to him. He agreed to go into therapy and together we have been seeing a SA councillor. Last week whilst on a truly wonderful holiday together we began to make plans for our new future together. Then something happened over which I confronted him, following this, and I won't go into detail, it became clear that he had lied to me over the past 10 months and his addiction went much further than porn, he has been visiting internet sites for sex and meeting people for sex, one of which was a friend. Over the past couple of days my whole marriage has been thrown into doubt, all the times I havee accused him of infidelity I was probaby right. When he first admitted what he'd done, he said he didn't want to lie to me any longer because my first husband had betrayed me. Believe me, this betrayal is much worse.

I can only imagine what you must be going through, take solace that even if you could confront your husband he would only lie to you and you would never know the truth. The lovely kind man, the man you knew really did exist, I believe that to be true. The addiction takes over. Do know that you are not alone in your pain and grief. I hope we women in these situations can someday find some peace within us. Your double grief bust be excruciating.

Hi, I have just read your message and I want to put my arms around you and hold you. After 26 years of marriage I left my husband because of his porn addiction. After 6 months and missing the nice, loving side of him which I experienced throughout my marriage, I went back to him. He agreed to go into therapy and together we have been seeing a SA councillor. Last week whilst on a truly wonderful holiday together we began to make plans for our new future together. Then something happened over which I confronted him, following this, and I won't go into detail, it became clear that he had lied to me over the past 10 months and his addiction went much further than porn, he has been visiting internet sites for sex and meeting people for sex, one of which was a friend. Over the past couple of days my whole marriage has been thrown into doubt, all the times I havee accused him of infidelity I was probaby right. When he first admitted what he'd done, he said he didn't want to lie to me any longer because my first husband had betrayed me. Believe me, this betrayal is much worse. I can only imagine what you must be going through, take solace that even if you could confront your husband he would only lie to you and you would never know the truth. The lovely kind man, the man you knew really did exist, I believe that to be true. The addiction takes over. Do know that you are not alone in your pain and grief. I hope we women in these situations can someday find some peace within us. Your double grief bust be excruciating.
Guest - Amy on Tuesday, 14 February 2017 07:28

Hi Lili,
OH MY GOODNESS I watched this video a few nights ago and a few times since now and what a REVELATION!!!! I FINALLY feel like there is someone who really understands, and now I can understand myself and why this is happening to me. I have literally been stuck for 3 years and need serious help crawling out of this hellhole. I want my think like a normal person. Are there others who are at the same stage as me right now? It sure would be good to walk with someone else where we can be accountable to each other in what we are facing. Also Lili, have you released the cognitive dissonance video yet? I am desperate to learn more so please release as much info for me and other women who feel so stuck!!! Thanks so much!!

Hi Lili, OH MY GOODNESS I watched this video a few nights ago and a few times since now and what a REVELATION!!!! I FINALLY feel like there is someone who really understands, and now I can understand myself and why this is happening to me. I have literally been stuck for 3 years and need serious help crawling out of this hellhole. I want my think like a normal person. Are there others who are at the same stage as me right now? It sure would be good to walk with someone else where we can be accountable to each other in what we are facing. Also Lili, have you released the cognitive dissonance video yet? I am desperate to learn more so please release as much info for me and other women who feel so stuck!!! Thanks so much!!
Guest - Rose on Friday, 21 April 2017 04:06

I feel your pain. You are not alone. I have been struggling as well and at times think I'm going crazy. This is such a confusing and crippling predicament. It's best not to try to make sense of it because it makes no sense. Its like trying to make sense of rape or stealing...it makes no sense. It is sinful and violating. The best we can do is take care of ourselves and find some self compassion and take care of ourselves because those whom we trusted did not take care of us. I have been married 15 years and have been depressed and don't know why...at least I now know why. My heart knew what my brain didn't. And at least now I can live in the light and attempt to move on. My advice is Don't dwell in the dark. The sun comes out each morning wanting to take us by the hand to a brighter tomorrow. Its time to let go of the past and take it....

I feel your pain. You are not alone. I have been struggling as well and at times think I'm going crazy. This is such a confusing and crippling predicament. It's best not to try to make sense of it because it makes no sense. Its like trying to make sense of rape or stealing...it makes no sense. It is sinful and violating. The best we can do is take care of ourselves and find some self compassion and take care of ourselves because those whom we trusted did not take care of us. I have been married 15 years and have been depressed and don't know why...at least I now know why. My heart knew what my brain didn't. And at least now I can live in the light and attempt to move on. My advice is Don't dwell in the dark. The sun comes out each morning wanting to take us by the hand to a brighter tomorrow. Its time to let go of the past and take it....
Guest - cva on Friday, 24 February 2017 19:22

Hi Amy,
Yes, I feel the same as you. I found out for sure six months ago and I cry every single day. I ask myself why, how did this happen and of course I blame myself. I know this is not my fault really but the "why" haunts me everyday. I can't say much to him because I can't support myself yet, and we have a child in college. I can't risk him leaving and jeopardizing her education in any way.
I would also love to walk and talk with others in the same hellhole. It's such a painful place to be and feeling alone is terrible. No one understands what this really feels like if they haven't been there.
This website is a huge comfort and the info provided is helpful.
Sending hugs and love
to all my "sisters"

Hi Amy, Yes, I feel the same as you. I found out for sure six months ago and I cry every single day. I ask myself why, how did this happen and of course I blame myself. I know this is not my fault really but the "why" haunts me everyday. I can't say much to him because I can't support myself yet, and we have a child in college. I can't risk him leaving and jeopardizing her education in any way. I would also love to walk and talk with others in the same hellhole. It's such a painful place to be and feeling alone is terrible. No one understands what this really feels like if they haven't been there. This website is a huge comfort and the info provided is helpful. Sending hugs and love to all my "sisters"
Guest - TW on Sunday, 26 February 2017 15:08

Guest CVA I am in the same predicament that ur in. My kids are grown and out of the home. I work ft but we are paying off a lot of debt. I think I'm ready to leave but I feel stuck. I need an accountability partner bc I don't want to do anything stupid

Guest CVA I am in the same predicament that ur in. My kids are grown and out of the home. I work ft but we are paying off a lot of debt. I think I'm ready to leave but I feel stuck. I need an accountability partner bc I don't want to do anything stupid
Guest - cva on Friday, 03 March 2017 14:53

Hi TW,

I know, it is a terrible place to be. Sometimes I just want to ask him to leave so I can heal and move on, but like I said, I can't risk the financial collapse that will follow. Not yet anyway.

We have our own business, and without him, I can't do it alone. Not to mention, the college, the debt. the mortgage.....

What I'm doing, and I hope this helps a little... I put the credit card debt with a credit management co. It will be two more years before that is paid off, the same amount of time for my daughter to finish college. I found a part time job and I try to "save" a few dollars every week. I hide some cash. In my situation, he has no idea what or where the money is, so that helps. Also, I use an app called Acorn. Every time I spend money, it rounds up to $1 and is invested in the stock market. Since Sept. 2016, I already have 1500.00. Not much, but a start. No one can get in this account and its on your smartphone.

I'm going to start going to al anon meetings, some one else on this site mentioned this could be helpful. I guess it teaches us how to cope with "addiction".

I'm still crying most days and I'm scared every minute of every day. I'm not sure when or how this nightmare will end, but at the moment, feel like I should at least try to get some money of my own.

I hope this helps you some, I'll think of you and keep you in my prayers. Please reach out when you can. This site is such a great place for us to "meet" and support each other.
Hugs,
cva

Hi TW, I know, it is a terrible place to be. Sometimes I just want to ask him to leave so I can heal and move on, but like I said, I can't risk the financial collapse that will follow. Not yet anyway. We have our own business, and without him, I can't do it alone. Not to mention, the college, the debt. the mortgage..... What I'm doing, and I hope this helps a little... I put the credit card debt with a credit management co. It will be two more years before that is paid off, the same amount of time for my daughter to finish college. I found a part time job and I try to "save" a few dollars every week. I hide some cash. In my situation, he has no idea what or where the money is, so that helps. Also, I use an app called Acorn. Every time I spend money, it rounds up to $1 and is invested in the stock market. Since Sept. 2016, I already have 1500.00. Not much, but a start. No one can get in this account and its on your smartphone. I'm going to start going to al anon meetings, some one else on this site mentioned this could be helpful. I guess it teaches us how to cope with "addiction". I'm still crying most days and I'm scared every minute of every day. I'm not sure when or how this nightmare will end, but at the moment, feel like I should at least try to get some money of my own. I hope this helps you some, I'll think of you and keep you in my prayers. Please reach out when you can. This site is such a great place for us to "meet" and support each other. Hugs, cva
Guest - Lili Bee on Saturday, 04 March 2017 04:21

Wonderful that you are starting to save some money- I always recommend that as it gives partners a tangible way to know they're starting to effect positive change in their life, and then of course, when the money accumulates, more options open up for you. You can free yourself if that's your goal.

It was me who wrote that Al-Anon can be helpful....I did not feel right at CoSA or S-Anon meetings because of their language and framework, but after sampling many different Al-Anon groups I stumbled on a particularly good one. Mainly what it taught me was how important it was to have boundaries, it gave me accountability to actually practice holding onto those parameters for my safety and well-being, and not just bitch about how disrespected I was in my relationship...and the BIGGEST lesson was: We did not cause it, we cannot cure it, we cannot control it (his behaviors).
Fully accepting that was the hardest part, but the most freeing, ultimately. Most women are socialized either in childhood or through their faith traditions (or both) to believe we can LOVE the sick behaviors out of our men.....It does not work. Al-Anon hammers that point and for me, I needed that.
Keep taking care of yourself, as you're doing, and feel yourself being congratulated.....because you are!

Wonderful that you are starting to save some money- I always recommend that as it gives partners a tangible way to know they're starting to effect positive change in their life, and then of course, when the money accumulates, more options open up for you. You can free yourself if that's your goal. It was me who wrote that Al-Anon can be helpful....I did not feel right at CoSA or S-Anon meetings because of their language and framework, but after sampling many different Al-Anon groups I stumbled on a particularly good one. Mainly what it taught me was how important it was to have boundaries, it gave me accountability to actually practice holding onto those parameters for my safety and well-being, and not just bitch about how disrespected I was in my relationship...and the BIGGEST lesson was: [b]We did not cause it, we cannot cure it, we cannot control it[/b] (his behaviors). Fully accepting that was the hardest part, but the most freeing, ultimately. Most women are socialized either in childhood or through their faith traditions (or both) to believe we can LOVE the sick behaviors out of our men.....It does not work. Al-Anon hammers that point and for me, I needed that. Keep taking care of yourself, as you're doing, and feel yourself being congratulated.....because you are!
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