POSA™ Blog

PoSARC or The Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center educates, nurtures and helps partners work with the challenges of being coupled with a sexually deceptive, chronic cheater.

Your Questions Answered (Video): “Why Do I Stay?” The Biochemistry of the Loyalty Bond

Your Questions Answered (Video): “Why Do I Stay?” The Biochemistry of the Loyalty Bond

In trying to shed light on the most common questions our readers and clients ask, we often find "Big Themes".

This week we will explore one such big theme, the "Why do I stay?" question which partners often ask themselves at different points along the way: right after Discovery, and if the shattered trust in the Betraying Partner is not being met with earnest efforts demonstrating remorse and repair within some time after Discovery.

(Video Length - 27:44)

This question of "why do I stay?" is often borne out of extreme frustration if one finds oneself giving the Betraying Mate chance after chance after chance, nothing much is changing and yet one inexplicably feels too stuck to move.

There are many vectors that can feed into that stuck feeling, so for our first video, we will be exploring the intense chemical bonds that can make detaching, creating distance and acting out of our own self-preservation so difficult to consider. These chemicals originate in the more primitive part of the brain and as such, are part of our survival "hardware". No wonder they're so powerful!

Our hope is that in better understanding the strong forces at work that may be keeping partners from feeling more in control of their own emotional states and choices, that over time, partners can begin making more empowered decisions for themselves and their families.

As we like to say here, Knowledge is Power!

Towards that goal, join us here in this first of a series of educational videos exploring "Why do I stay?"


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Comments 16

Guest - Amy on Tuesday, 14 February 2017 07:28

Hi Lili,
OH MY GOODNESS I watched this video a few nights ago and a few times since now and what a REVELATION!!!! I FINALLY feel like there is someone who really understands, and now I can understand myself and why this is happening to me. I have literally been stuck for 3 years and need serious help crawling out of this hellhole. I want my think like a normal person. Are there others who are at the same stage as me right now? It sure would be good to walk with someone else where we can be accountable to each other in what we are facing. Also Lili, have you released the cognitive dissonance video yet? I am desperate to learn more so please release as much info for me and other women who feel so stuck!!! Thanks so much!!

Hi Lili, OH MY GOODNESS I watched this video a few nights ago and a few times since now and what a REVELATION!!!! I FINALLY feel like there is someone who really understands, and now I can understand myself and why this is happening to me. I have literally been stuck for 3 years and need serious help crawling out of this hellhole. I want my think like a normal person. Are there others who are at the same stage as me right now? It sure would be good to walk with someone else where we can be accountable to each other in what we are facing. Also Lili, have you released the cognitive dissonance video yet? I am desperate to learn more so please release as much info for me and other women who feel so stuck!!! Thanks so much!!
Guest - cva on Friday, 24 February 2017 19:22

Hi Amy,
Yes, I feel the same as you. I found out for sure six months ago and I cry every single day. I ask myself why, how did this happen and of course I blame myself. I know this is not my fault really but the "why" haunts me everyday. I can't say much to him because I can't support myself yet, and we have a child in college. I can't risk him leaving and jeopardizing her education in any way.
I would also love to walk and talk with others in the same hellhole. It's such a painful place to be and feeling alone is terrible. No one understands what this really feels like if they haven't been there.
This website is a huge comfort and the info provided is helpful.
Sending hugs and love
to all my "sisters"

Hi Amy, Yes, I feel the same as you. I found out for sure six months ago and I cry every single day. I ask myself why, how did this happen and of course I blame myself. I know this is not my fault really but the "why" haunts me everyday. I can't say much to him because I can't support myself yet, and we have a child in college. I can't risk him leaving and jeopardizing her education in any way. I would also love to walk and talk with others in the same hellhole. It's such a painful place to be and feeling alone is terrible. No one understands what this really feels like if they haven't been there. This website is a huge comfort and the info provided is helpful. Sending hugs and love to all my "sisters"
Guest - TW on Sunday, 26 February 2017 15:08

Guest CVA I am in the same predicament that ur in. My kids are grown and out of the home. I work ft but we are paying off a lot of debt. I think I'm ready to leave but I feel stuck. I need an accountability partner bc I don't want to do anything stupid

Guest CVA I am in the same predicament that ur in. My kids are grown and out of the home. I work ft but we are paying off a lot of debt. I think I'm ready to leave but I feel stuck. I need an accountability partner bc I don't want to do anything stupid
Guest - Lili Bee on Tuesday, 14 February 2017 19:38

So glad to have helped a bit here, Amy-
We are finalizing the next video in this series, so stay tuned and I think you'll find it illuminating.
YES, we are also going to be adding a resource so others going through similar gauntlets can help support one another while we provide some of the structural and educational pieces.
We know how challenging it is to, as you so aptly describe it, "crawl out of the hellhole". YES, exactly right, that's what it feels like.
For now, though, see if you can shore yourself up in any way you can: rest, feed yourself good, nourishing foods, read, listen to or look at something inspiring every day... and your foundation gets stronger to do the admittedly difficult work of getting unstuck.
Thank you for sharing with us here!

So glad to have helped a bit here, Amy- We are finalizing the next video in this series, so stay tuned and I think you'll find it illuminating. YES, we are also going to be adding a resource so others going through similar gauntlets can help support one another while we provide some of the structural and educational pieces. We know how challenging it is to, as you so aptly describe it, "crawl out of the hellhole". YES, exactly right, that's what it feels like. For now, though, see if you can shore yourself up in any way you can: rest, feed yourself good, nourishing foods, read, listen to or look at something inspiring every day... and your foundation gets stronger to do the admittedly difficult work of getting unstuck. Thank you for sharing with us here!
Guest - Sandra on Monday, 13 February 2017 16:36

I found the video very helpful. I met my partner in the ninth grade. We have been together for 23 years and have two teenage children. I am finally starting to understand that I have constantly been going through this kind of trauma throughout our entire relationship. Only until I had an affair did my partner inform me of all the times he had been unfaithful to me. Even as we tried to repair our trust with one another he continued to lie and cheat. I've tried leaving/separating from him many times but he always fights with me to stay. Then I'm left feeling guilty for "making him feel like I don't really love him". He will not even acknowledge that he has a problem. There is constant pornography usage and impulsive sex with strangers. Two years ago he recorded himself having sex with someone and I found it on his phone. He says he wanted to get caught. Recently he met a woman online and met her for sex. He came to me and asked me if I was okay with him having a "playmate". Before I knew he had already had sex with her I gave in and said yes because I'm wanting to see if this will help how I feel and hopefully give him the chance to be honest and open with me and to stop hiding. I fear this won't be enough. I am afraid that he won't change and that more years of my life will be thrown away. He talks to her constantly, hours at a time. Although I am glad he is being honest it still hurts like hell. Now that I have said it is okay it can be turned against me "you said it was okay". I am prone to depression anyway and all of this current situation has not helped matters. I feel like I am under attack for how I feel. He says things like "I am being honest with you, you are the one losing control. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to share it with you." The truth is, I do lose control when he and I talk. It's like beating a dead horse unless I just give in to what he is saying and look at it from his perspective. Today I am starting therapy. I told him that I was seeking anger management and emotional control therapy. He doesn't like the idea. He said that it hurts his feelings that I have to share personal things with someone else and that he doesn't want a stranger knowing our business. I have to do this though. It is tough but I want to be happy again and this is my only hope. I hate that I am having to do things secretly (especially since I harp on him about honesty) but no one is going to look out for me and my own mental health but myself.

I found the video very helpful. I met my partner in the ninth grade. We have been together for 23 years and have two teenage children. I am finally starting to understand that I have constantly been going through this kind of trauma throughout our entire relationship. Only until I had an affair did my partner inform me of all the times he had been unfaithful to me. Even as we tried to repair our trust with one another he continued to lie and cheat. I've tried leaving/separating from him many times but he always fights with me to stay. Then I'm left feeling guilty for "making him feel like I don't really love him". He will not even acknowledge that he has a problem. There is constant pornography usage and impulsive sex with strangers. Two years ago he recorded himself having sex with someone and I found it on his phone. He says he wanted to get caught. Recently he met a woman online and met her for sex. He came to me and asked me if I was okay with him having a "playmate". Before I knew he had already had sex with her I gave in and said yes because I'm wanting to see if this will help how I feel and hopefully give him the chance to be honest and open with me and to stop hiding. I fear this won't be enough. I am afraid that he won't change and that more years of my life will be thrown away. He talks to her constantly, hours at a time. Although I am glad he is being honest it still hurts like hell. Now that I have said it is okay it can be turned against me "you said it was okay". I am prone to depression anyway and all of this current situation has not helped matters. I feel like I am under attack for how I feel. He says things like "I am being honest with you, you are the one losing control. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to share it with you." The truth is, I do lose control when he and I talk. It's like beating a dead horse unless I just give in to what he is saying and look at it from his perspective. Today I am starting therapy. I told him that I was seeking anger management and emotional control therapy. He doesn't like the idea. He said that it hurts his feelings that I have to share personal things with someone else and that he doesn't want a stranger knowing our business. I have to do this though. It is tough but I want to be happy again and this is my only hope. I hate that I am having to do things secretly (especially since I harp on him about honesty) but no one is going to look out for me and my own mental health but myself.
Guest - Lili Bee on Tuesday, 14 February 2017 19:30

Hi Sandra--
Thank you for adding your story here- it perfectly illustrates the convolutions a manipulator will go through just to string you along and keep you confused.
You're spot on with the solution, though, in your last sentence. Spot on!
Stay tuned here for our next video and we'll be unveiling some new support tools for our readers in similar situations then, as well.
Good for YOU for starting to piece together what's actually happening in your relationship!
You're on your way now....

Hi Sandra-- Thank you for adding your story here- it perfectly illustrates the convolutions a manipulator will go through just to string you along and keep you confused. You're spot on with the solution, though, in your last sentence. Spot on! Stay tuned here for our next video and we'll be unveiling some new support tools for our readers in similar situations then, as well. Good for YOU for starting to piece together what's actually happening in your relationship! You're on your way now....
Guest - fierce on Tuesday, 07 February 2017 20:18

Wow. This video on "Why do I stay" was THE most insightful, useful information that I have come across so far. I can finally understand and make sense of how "my body and brain" are physically reacting to the stresses of this trauma I am sitting in. You described the Loyalty bond perfectly.

It has been over a year since D-Day and even though my husband is working on his Sexual Addiction in Therapy and SA meetings, I am STILL waiting to see effort and change to demonstrate remorse, validation and being aware of the wreckage that he has caused the family.

I have been waiting for this "puzzle piece" to be explained to me in order for me to realize that I am stuck. And Now I know why I am stuck, which helps me to learn strategies to become unstuck.
I am tired of waiting for that small glamour of an "unhealthy hope" which creates dopamine. I need to exercise self care and create safe boundaries to create my own "healthy dopamine".

I will now exercise your advice and finally take time away from this chaotic roller-coaster ride and him to help me see and feel clarity. Thank you

Wow. This video on "Why do I stay" was THE most insightful, useful information that I have come across so far. I can finally understand and make sense of how "my body and brain" are physically reacting to the stresses of this trauma I am sitting in. You described the Loyalty bond perfectly. It has been over a year since D-Day and even though my husband is working on his Sexual Addiction in Therapy and SA meetings, I am STILL waiting to see effort and change to demonstrate remorse, validation and being aware of the wreckage that he has caused the family. I have been waiting for this "puzzle piece" to be explained to me in order for me to realize that I am stuck. And Now I know why I am stuck, which helps me to learn strategies to become unstuck. I am tired of waiting for that small glamour of an "unhealthy hope" which creates dopamine. I need to exercise self care and create safe boundaries to create my own "healthy dopamine". I will now exercise your advice and finally take time away from this chaotic roller-coaster ride and him to help me see and feel clarity. Thank you
Guest - SamY on Tuesday, 10 January 2017 20:51

I know this post is a few months old but I am going through a tough time and wondered if anyone could help. I found out my husband uses prostitues and he has also cheated on me with women at both his previous work places. So pretty much from the start of our relationship he's lied and cheated. I think he may have a sexual addiction. He isn't saying he does or that he doesn't. It's breaking my heart and we have a small child together. I think he's left me no option but to leave him as I can't take any more pain. Despite everything though, I still love him. I wondered if there are any women who made the decision to separate and how they are coping? Or I guess anyone who stayed and how that's gone? I feel so confused it's all consuming.

I know this post is a few months old but I am going through a tough time and wondered if anyone could help. I found out my husband uses prostitues and he has also cheated on me with women at both his previous work places. So pretty much from the start of our relationship he's lied and cheated. I think he may have a sexual addiction. He isn't saying he does or that he doesn't. It's breaking my heart and we have a small child together. I think he's left me no option but to leave him as I can't take any more pain. Despite everything though, I still love him. I wondered if there are any women who made the decision to separate and how they are coping? Or I guess anyone who stayed and how that's gone? I feel so confused it's all consuming.
Guest - LoveUs on Wednesday, 18 January 2017 01:55

Find a marriage counselor / sex addiction in your state that will offer an Intensive for both of you... during the Intensive your husband will have to do a disclosure and summit himself to a polygraph test .

Find a marriage counselor / sex addiction in your state that will offer an Intensive for both of you... during the Intensive your husband will have to do a disclosure and summit himself to a polygraph test .
Guest - cva on Saturday, 07 January 2017 12:43

Hi Everyone,

It's the pain. How do we deal with this? How did this happen?

The man that used to love me, protect me, that was always there for me? How did this happen?

We had dreams, we built a business, a family, a home? How did this happen?

What happens now?

The pain is there every minute of every day. It is in my thoughts every minute. I can't get out of my own head. I can't find a reason why.

How do we deal with this and go on...I have never been this scared my whole life.

Hi Everyone, It's the pain. How do we deal with this? How did this happen? The man that used to love me, protect me, that was always there for me? How did this happen? We had dreams, we built a business, a family, a home? How did this happen? What happens now? The pain is there every minute of every day. It is in my thoughts every minute. I can't get out of my own head. I can't find a reason why. How do we deal with this and go on...I have never been this scared my whole life.
Chianna on Sunday, 04 December 2016 00:59

Hi Lili! I'm new to this awesome outlet of support you've created on here. As I've become more familiar with your posts and videos, I'm surprised that my emotions and experiences are very similar to those of others. I feel as though my emotions have finally been validated.

I felt isolated and misunderstood for some time, but nothing compared to how stuck I felt. I couldn't move forward and started to grow frustrated with myself. Often times, when trying to voice to my closest friend what's going on and how my partner's addiction has impacted me, it doesn't seem to come across a way in which she'd understand, which isn't either of our faults. But even just some of the phrases you and others have used, like feeling frozen, patterns/cycles, what it means to be traumatized through betrayal, etc...all of these resonate perfectly with me. I went through a harsh cycle of isolation to self-doubt, then trying to dismiss my intuition, emotions, concerns (so basically betraying myself) and then back to isolation, so being both heard AND understood is really comforting.

The last thing I wanted to share adds on to what you said about the importance of self-care. A few years back, self-care was my priority. I definitely had to practice though. I'm sure for some of us, self-care doesn't come easy. Like you said Lili, practicing self-care is the last thing we want to do in traumatic situations. I just recently had the realization that I've given my partner so much of my attention, care, respect and unconditional love (as I'm fighting for this relationship) that when I'm back to my only-me, weekly routine, I feel drained and can't find the energy to practice self-care. Yikes, not cool. I mentioned before that while I felt very stuck and alone after being hurt, I grew frustrated with myself. But now I remember that giving myself time to heal and process is a form of self-love, rather than being impatient and flustered. Being aware of where my precious time and energy goes (or where it doesn't go) has really helped me with my progress. It has taken awhile, and frankly I still freeze up at unpredictable times, but I do feel I'm on the journey of recovery.

I can't fully express to you how grateful I am to have found this page and to be able to relate, support, hurt, and heal with others. Thank you so!

Hi Lili! I'm new to this awesome outlet of support you've created on here. As I've become more familiar with your posts and videos, I'm surprised that my emotions and experiences are very similar to those of others. I feel as though my emotions have finally been validated. I felt isolated and misunderstood for some time, but nothing compared to how stuck I felt. I couldn't move forward and started to grow frustrated with myself. Often times, when trying to voice to my closest friend what's going on and how my partner's addiction has impacted me, it doesn't seem to come across a way in which she'd understand, which isn't either of our faults. But even just some of the phrases you and others have used, like feeling frozen, patterns/cycles, what it means to be traumatized through betrayal, etc...all of these resonate perfectly with me. I went through a harsh cycle of isolation to self-doubt, then trying to dismiss my intuition, emotions, concerns (so basically betraying myself) and then back to isolation, so being both heard AND understood is really comforting. The last thing I wanted to share adds on to what you said about the importance of self-care. A few years back, self-care was my priority. I definitely had to practice though. I'm sure for some of us, self-care doesn't come easy. Like you said Lili, practicing self-care is the last thing we want to do in traumatic situations. I just recently had the realization that I've given my partner so much of my attention, care, respect and unconditional love (as I'm fighting for this relationship) that when I'm back to my only-me, weekly routine, I feel drained and can't find the energy to practice self-care. Yikes, not cool. I mentioned before that while I felt very stuck and alone after being hurt, I grew frustrated with myself. But now I remember that giving myself time to heal and process is a form of self-love, rather than being impatient and flustered. Being aware of where my precious time and energy goes (or where it doesn't go) has really helped me with my progress. It has taken awhile, and frankly I still freeze up at unpredictable times, but I do feel I'm on the journey of recovery. I can't fully express to you how grateful I am to have found this page and to be able to relate, support, hurt, and heal with others. Thank you so!
Guest - Lili Bee on Sunday, 04 December 2016 19:50

Thank you Chianna, for what you so articulately shared here. I think many of our readers will be able to relate to your experience.
And you're so right, it does take awhile before we connect the dots about lack of energy/ motivation to take care of ourself is from earmarking all our attention and care on our Betraying Partner.
It can be a vicious cycle. I'm glad you were able to spot it and intervene on yourself ...
Thank you also for the idea to do another video (right after the one already lined up about Cognitive Dissonance) about self-care....the hows, why's and so on. I love learning from our readers about what they need help with.

Grateful to you for sharing your story here, and for your perseverance in putting yourself on the healing map!
Keep on!

Thank you Chianna, for what you so articulately shared here. I think many of our readers will be able to relate to your experience. And you're so right, it does take awhile before we connect the dots about lack of energy/ motivation to take care of ourself is from earmarking all our attention and care on our Betraying Partner. It can be a vicious cycle. I'm glad you were able to spot it and intervene on yourself ... Thank you also for the idea to do another video (right after the one already lined up about Cognitive Dissonance) about self-care....the hows, why's and so on. I love learning from our readers about what they need help with. Grateful to you for sharing your story here, and for your perseverance in putting yourself on the healing map! Keep on!
Guest - Jean on Friday, 25 November 2016 05:26

Lili, I have been in turmoil for the last six months whether or not to separate or divorce my porn addicted husband. I am 58 years old and have been married to him for 35 years. I am a strong, loyal, hard working woman with two wonderful grown sons who are aware of my situation and who have encouraged me to put myself first. They are aware of my pain and know what I have dealt with over the years. My husband is a kind man who feasts upon porn. We have not been intimate for years and are essentially roommates who have separate bedrooms. He was careless with his "stash" (magazines and internet downloads) and when he realized I was searching he now utilizes his I-phone to harbor his sickness. I am so tired of this sick game and crave peace and freedom from this nightmare. I finally became bold enough to tell him we need to separate for a while to work through this. We have gone through marital counseling and he has had private and group counseling which specialized in sex/porn addiction but after all the time and money spent he just hides it deeper. I have come to the realization he is never going to quit, and he recently admitted it is harder than he thought it would be to give it up. I wish he was an asshole, wife beater but he is not... he is a kind, loving husband, father, neighbor and son but his dark side is only visible to me and I am so tired of being his shield to hide behind. Why do I stay? I have even considered walking out our front door and not looking back. Our home where we raised our two sons will be paid for in two years. We have lived here for 28 years. I love it and when I even consider leaving it all behind and walk away I realize how desperate and sad I am. Why do I stay? His mom considers me her daughter. She would be devastated. I have put up a fake front for so many years. I honestly think my husband feels I would never divorce him because I would not be able to cause his mom pain. Why do I stay? I can't even say I love him any more. The pornography has overtaken him. He breathes it....It is his life force and he hides behind our fake marriage. Why do I stay? I don't want to grow old alone, though I am already alone. It is such an embarrassing topic and I finally broke and shared my situation with two sisters and one friend. I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown and I had to talk to someone. Why do I stay? I can support myself. I make twice the income he does. I could buy out his equity and keep the home I love, filled with happy memories of my sons and sick, disgusting memories of his porn addiction. I am so thankful for your website and the encouragement and guidance you offer. I am hanging by a thread and every ounce of education and wisdom I can gain from someone who understands is a lifeline to me. Why do I stay....I honestly don't know.....

Lili, I have been in turmoil for the last six months whether or not to separate or divorce my porn addicted husband. I am 58 years old and have been married to him for 35 years. I am a strong, loyal, hard working woman with two wonderful grown sons who are aware of my situation and who have encouraged me to put myself first. They are aware of my pain and know what I have dealt with over the years. My husband is a kind man who feasts upon porn. We have not been intimate for years and are essentially roommates who have separate bedrooms. He was careless with his "stash" (magazines and internet downloads) and when he realized I was searching he now utilizes his I-phone to harbor his sickness. I am so tired of this sick game and crave peace and freedom from this nightmare. I finally became bold enough to tell him we need to separate for a while to work through this. We have gone through marital counseling and he has had private and group counseling which specialized in sex/porn addiction but after all the time and money spent he just hides it deeper. I have come to the realization he is never going to quit, and he recently admitted it is harder than he thought it would be to give it up. I wish he was an asshole, wife beater but he is not... he is a kind, loving husband, father, neighbor and son but his dark side is only visible to me and I am so tired of being his shield to hide behind. Why do I stay? I have even considered walking out our front door and not looking back. Our home where we raised our two sons will be paid for in two years. We have lived here for 28 years. I love it and when I even consider leaving it all behind and walk away I realize how desperate and sad I am. Why do I stay? His mom considers me her daughter. She would be devastated. I have put up a fake front for so many years. I honestly think my husband feels I would never divorce him because I would not be able to cause his mom pain. Why do I stay? I can't even say I love him any more. The pornography has overtaken him. He breathes it....It is his life force and he hides behind our fake marriage. Why do I stay? I don't want to grow old alone, though I am already alone. It is such an embarrassing topic and I finally broke and shared my situation with two sisters and one friend. I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown and I had to talk to someone. Why do I stay? I can support myself. I make twice the income he does. I could buy out his equity and keep the home I love, filled with happy memories of my sons and sick, disgusting memories of his porn addiction. I am so thankful for your website and the encouragement and guidance you offer. I am hanging by a thread and every ounce of education and wisdom I can gain from someone who understands is a lifeline to me. Why do I stay....I honestly don't know.....
Guest - Lili Bee on Friday, 25 November 2016 06:10

Hi Jean-
I'm so glad you wrote in. You describe the hellish conundrum so well.

But I think you are well on your way to having that serenity you describe wanting: You took a big step in sharing your painful story with your sisters and a friend. And now you are holding open a space inside for questioning and weighing the stories you tell yourself against the unhappiness you feel.

Many of us go through this agonizing process, so know you're definitely not alone. And if you truly tire of the anxiety and anguish, it may well prompt a brave side of you to emerge, take the scared you by the hand and lead you to that freedom and peace you so desire.

"Why do I stay? I don't want to grow old alone, though I am already alone" .

^This made tears well up in my eyes^
Any of our other readers respond similarly?

I hope this series on Why Do I Stay continues to provide insights for you, little lamps along the walkway....

Thank you again for taking the time to write out your thoughts here, Jean.

Hi Jean- I'm so glad you wrote in. You describe the hellish conundrum so well. But I think you are well on your way to having that serenity you describe wanting: You took a big step in sharing your painful story with your sisters and a friend. And now you are holding open a space inside for questioning and weighing the stories you tell yourself against the unhappiness you feel. Many of us go through this agonizing process, so know you're definitely not alone. And if you truly tire of the anxiety and anguish, it may well prompt a brave side of you to emerge, take the scared you by the hand and lead you to that freedom and peace you so desire. "Why do I stay? I don't want to grow old alone, though I am already alone" . ^This made tears well up in my eyes^ Any of our other readers respond similarly? I hope this series on [b]Why Do I Stay[/b] continues to provide insights for you, little lamps along the walkway.... Thank you again for taking the time to write out your thoughts here, Jean.
Guest - RCK on Thursday, 24 November 2016 03:31

I loved this segment. I feel like she is describing me and my brain perfectly. I have always tried to explain to therapists how I feel like something is wrong with my brain. I'm aware that I'm not acting the way I would like, but cannot seem to get out of my own way. I don't feel like the same person I used to be. I was so alive and fun-loving, but now I'm numb from all of the trauma. I feel like an oddball. I get frustrated with myself because I've been in therapy for years and have not made the progress I want. The part in the video that I most liked was about when the partner behaves lovingly, like when he compliments me, gives me the perfect gift, books the perfect vacation, begs me to stay with him, tells me how he can only ever love me, apologizes sincerely, etc. I immediately think "There he is! There's the guy I love! We will stay together because we are meant to be together". Then after a couple of days, I have opposite thoughts. This back and forth is actually from chemicals in my brain. I want to know more about this. This makes sense. I want to stop talking about my family of origin,boundaries (that I cant keep), and self care! It's not working!!!! I need a physical change in my brain. So now I know it's really there, how do I fix it?? I want a physical intervention like electro shock therapy or something that will get in there and jar my brain back to "normal". I wish we knew more so partners of sex addicts like me, didn't have to live in such limbo, wasting away. I hate it.

I loved this segment. I feel like she is describing me and my brain perfectly. I have always tried to explain to therapists how I feel like something is wrong with my brain. I'm aware that I'm not acting the way I would like, but cannot seem to get out of my own way. I don't feel like the same person I used to be. I was so alive and fun-loving, but now I'm numb from all of the trauma. I feel like an oddball. I get frustrated with myself because I've been in therapy for years and have not made the progress I want. The part in the video that I most liked was about when the partner behaves lovingly, like when he compliments me, gives me the perfect gift, books the perfect vacation, begs me to stay with him, tells me how he can only ever love me, apologizes sincerely, etc. I immediately think "There he is! There's the guy I love! We will stay together because we are meant to be together". Then after a couple of days, I have opposite thoughts. This back and forth is actually from chemicals in my brain. I want to know more about this. This makes sense. I want to stop talking about my family of origin,boundaries (that I cant keep), and self care! It's not working!!!! I need a physical change in my brain. So now I know it's really there, how do I fix it?? I want a physical intervention like electro shock therapy or something that will get in there and jar my brain back to "normal". I wish we knew more so partners of sex addicts like me, didn't have to live in such limbo, wasting away. I hate it.
Guest - Lili Bee on Thursday, 24 November 2016 05:08

Hi RCK- Thanks for sharing how the the loyalty bond affects you. Yes, it can be crazy-making when we notice we flip-flop around on thinking, "This man's the ONE for me!" and then realizing that's not always the best way forward. That's why minimizing contact can be essential to allowing more clarity the time it needs to "stick" long enough, because partially what it does is interrupts that cycle of back and forth...then we start being able to connect the dots better between what we see, versus what we want to believe so badly. The next video in the series goes into this much more.

Also, it sounds like you might benefit from more trauma-specific body-mind treatment such as EMDR with an attachment focus or you can try Somatic Experiencing....Talk therapy alone often runs it's course and after years of often subtle and covert abuse (as well as covert manipulation) our brains can become conditioned insidiously....It's worth exploring these other modalities that aren't so much talk-based but go deeper into our physiology. Try googling for practitioners in your area.

The numbing you speak about is one of the more common symptoms of trauma and I've seen good body-mind approaches be able to help the system come out of that state and into more regulation.

Stay tuned for the other components of the loyalty bond...it's not just chemical, strong as that vector can be. Bravo to you for being so curious about what's going on.You're still asking questions and noticing too much time is passing with no relief. That tells me your system is registering well, which is important!
Lastly, try and be patient with yourself as you undergo the process of coming out of the fog and into more awareness. These bonds don't form overnight and they won't instantly dissolve, either. Slow and steady will get you the progress you seek. I know it's hard to hang in there, but it sounds like you are on your way ..

Yours in healing, Lili




Hi RCK- Thanks for sharing how the the loyalty bond affects you. Yes, it can be crazy-making when we notice we flip-flop around on thinking, "This man's the ONE for me!" and then realizing that's not always the best way forward. That's why minimizing contact can be essential to allowing more clarity the time it needs to "stick" long enough, because partially what it does is interrupts that cycle of back and forth...then we start being able to connect the dots better between what we see, versus what we want to believe so badly. The next video in the series goes into this much more. Also, it sounds like you might benefit from more trauma-specific body-mind treatment such as EMDR with an attachment focus or you can try Somatic Experiencing....Talk therapy alone often runs it's course and after years of often subtle and covert abuse (as well as covert manipulation) our brains can become conditioned insidiously....It's worth exploring these other modalities that aren't so much talk-based but go deeper into our physiology. Try googling for practitioners in your area. The numbing you speak about is one of the more common symptoms of trauma and I've seen good body-mind approaches be able to help the system come out of that state and into more regulation. Stay tuned for the other components of the loyalty bond...it's not just chemical, strong as that vector can be. Bravo to you for being so curious about what's going on.You're still asking questions and noticing too much time is passing with no relief. That tells me your system is registering well, which is important! Lastly, try and be patient with yourself as you undergo the process of coming out of the fog and into more awareness. These bonds don't form overnight and they won't instantly dissolve, either. Slow and steady will get you the progress you seek. I know it's hard to hang in there, but it sounds like you are on your way .. Yours in healing, Lili
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