POSA™ Blog

PoSARC or The Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center educates, nurtures and helps partners work with the challenges of being coupled with a sexually deceptive, chronic cheater.

Your Questions Answered (Video): “Why Do I Stay?” The Biochemistry of the Loyalty Bond

Your Questions Answered (Video): “Why Do I Stay?” The Biochemistry of the Loyalty Bond

In trying to shed light on the most common questions our readers and clients ask, we often find "Big Themes".

This week we will explore one such big theme, the "Why do I stay?" question which partners often ask themselves at different points along the way: right after Discovery, and if the shattered trust in the Betraying Partner is not being met with earnest efforts demonstrating remorse and repair within some time after Discovery.

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Recent Comments
Kathy
I found this video at just the perfect time, when I had once again confronted my husband about his recovery and once again feeling... Read More
Thursday, 13 April 2017 15:05
Chianna
Hi Lili! I'm new to this awesome outlet of support you've created on here. As I've become more familiar with your posts and videos... Read More
Sunday, 04 December 2016 00:59
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Your Questions Answered (Video): What To Do When Friends and Family Don't Believe You

Your Questions Answered (Video): What To Do When Friends and Family Don't Believe You

What can you do when you are brave enough to share your story as the victim of infidelity, and you find that your friends and family don't believe you? Or, worse, blame you? Lili talks about how to cope when you feel like you're in a free fall.

Does this ring true for you?  Who has earned the right to hear your story?  Please let us know in the comments below.

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A Wife Sounds Off About Bad Advice

A Wife Sounds Off About Bad Advice

This past week, someone sent me a recent advice column from the successful online magazine Slate. In the Sept. 16th issue, a woman who is married to a sex addict submits to their advice columnist a question all of us no doubt have struggled with. The response from the advice columnist, Dear Prudence, will leave you dumbstruck.

Here is a direct reprint of Slate's Sept. 16th Dear Prudence column so you can read it for yourself:

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Recent Comments
Patt Bothel
We are on day 6 of me finding out about my husband's latest relapse. This was after 2 years of sobriety in SA, which only followe... Read More
Tuesday, 27 December 2016 22:29
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HELEN of TROY isn't enough for her porn addict – A Reader Writes in

HELEN of TROY isn't enough for her porn addict – A Reader Writes in

Dear Posarc:

I'm totally lost in a very painful sea and your website is helping me more specifically than any other resources can.

I struggle through a cycle of various painful concerns, but for the last several days my main concern has been my body image. Logically, I understand that I could be Helen of Troy and it wouldn't stop him from looking at porn. But, I have thoroughly internalized the message that I'm not pretty, sexy, or "fit" enough to really do it for him.

Can you point me in the direction of help with this?

Thank you,
Lauren Jones

Dear Lauren-

Since there is such universality in your question and this exact issue only gets brought up in my private sessions with clients oh, about 10 times a week, I thought I'd write a blog post to respond to your question. I know so very many others feel as you do. I certainly did.

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Lisa Zukaitis
Your beautiful,strong, bright, independent . I read recently that these "sex addicted " people actually seek out partners for the... Read More
Thursday, 02 March 2017 12:15
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Readers' Letters: He Wants To Watch the Cheerleaders on the NFL and I'm Furious!

Here's an e-mail that just came in which I'll share because I know it's a big day for POSAs to get triggered.

Dear Lili:

My husband and I have been fighting all day already and now he's stormed out of the house on his way to the local sports bar to watch the Super Bowl.
Reason for fight: I asked him if he will be fast-forwarding over the cheerleading part of the big event and he became furious, claiming it's not at all something he considers a trigger for his acting out. He's saying that since his "thing" was porn, seeing NFL cheerleaders is so far removed from porn that it's ridiculous, and clear to him I need to get a hold of myself!
On top of that, he's saying I ruined all the potential for his fun evening of sports and that I'm in need of a good therapist to help me with what he calls my anxiety.

Please advise me!
Cindy

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Questions Partners Ask

One of the challenges of working with a topic for many years is that one can end up burrowing deeper and deeper into more complex aspects of the topic. One of the risks can be possibly losing touch with how a newcomer to the topic may still be struggling with "the basics". So while still engaging my interest in delving into the more complex aspects of progressed behaviors in addiction as well as chronic infidelity, I am devoting some time and webpage space to apprising newcomers of what they might expect as they find themselves in a strange new world of sex addiction or chronic infidelity with all its pain and confusion. Here, then, is Part One of the new series:

Sexual addiction, including pornography addiction, is one of the most harmful in relationships. The shame with this addiction for the addict and the spouse, the betrayal, trauma and stereotypes linked to the addiction are often devastating.

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