POSA™ Blog

PoSARC or The Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center educates, nurtures and helps partners work with the challenges of being coupled with a sexually deceptive, chronic cheater.

Is Your Partner Watching you on Social Media or other Online Sites?

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​By Lili Bee & Cassie Kingan

Not a week goes by when a partner doesn't e-mail us with requests that we start either a Facebook page that's private, or else create a Forum where members can share their experiences of betrayal trauma with one another. We get asked to begin (or approve of) online PoSA meetings so geographical distances no longer stop PoSAs from meeting and supporting one another. We very well understand the allure and need for that.

While there are other reasons we wholeheartedely recommend PoSAs meet in person rather than online, the single biggest deterrent to us setting up such arrangements is that it becomes very difficult to stay ahead of techology in such a way that members would always be guaranteed their anonymity will be preserved. One only need to see the News and look at the data leaks occurring with increasing frequency across many major networks.

And then, there are the internal "leaks"... 

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Positive Illusions Allow Partners to Miss or Overlook Dishonesty

Because almost all of us were so blindsided by Discovery, we spend weeks, months, even years trying to piece together the "hows, whens and why's" of the deceptions generated by our chronic cheaters. 

In attempting to create an orderly narrative out of the chaos that our mate's betrayals brought into our lives, we swing between trying to stabilize ourselves— and—trying to fathom how we missed their deceptions playing out right under our noses, usually for years. 

Often, our sense of ourselves as formerly perceptive and/or intuitive can evaporate as we survey the breadth and depth of what are often incredibly elaborate deceptions unfolding in our relationship, unbeknownst to us.

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A Reader's Poem on the eve of her 16th Anniversary

Waiting for Divorce Papers on our 16th Anniversary

submitted by Sandy M.

We were cleaning up our game of checkers, our daughter beaming with pride as the conqueror, as you first laid eyes on your new conquest across the dark bar.

I slipped her Strawberry Shortcake nightgown over her head, as you discreetly slipped your wedding ring into your pocket.

"Come on sweetheart, let's go brush your teeth," I coaxed, as you flashed Her your most coaxing smile.

I looked into our daughter's beautiful brown eyes- your eyes- and talked about plans for the next day, as you looked into Her eyes- brown? blue? green? and planned your night with Her.

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One Man's Journey - Dan Mahle on Pornography Addiction

I am committed to a world of love, respect and safety for all people. I'm sick of all the shame, numbness and secrecy surrounding porn and addiction. And I'm outraged by all of the violence, degradation, and exploitation of women and children. Enough is enough!"

To read his blog post, click here: Dan Mahle Article

And then come back here and tell us what you think about the idea of a Men We Love category for PoSARC. I'm so pleased to report that we now have a small handful of men we'd love to showcase! God knows we need inspiration for the journey ~ what are your thoughts on us creating this new feature?


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Am I Enough this Valentine's Day?

As red hearts and pink cherubic cut-outs dominate shop windows on Valentine's Day, I want to send out some Valentine's thoughts of my own to all POSAs.

My inspiration came from walking up Madison Avenue, passing pricey artisanal chocolate boutiques with customers in line paying for their lover's Valentine's Day chocolates and more than a few men shopping for jewelry along Fifth Avenue.

And not surprisingly, quite the line of men at Victoria's Secret, under the hypnotic glaze of the nearly un-dressed, GIGANTIC displays of models in silky lingerie, seduction-bombing every man on the street.

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New POSA Support Group Materials

IT HAS BEEN SO VERY INSPIRING TO WORK WITH THESE POSAS

There have been at least five new POSA Meetings formed in this past year alone! It has been so very inspiring to work with these POSAs who took the initiative to begin hosting meetings in their local areas. Our communications in working together have energized and empowered all of us!

We know how treacherous life can feel in the wake of discovering that your life partner has betrayed you. One of the more extraordinary gifts hidden within this relational devastation is the power of POSAs to find and to support one another. To begin our healing process, we can learn to stop trying to bond back to the person who carelessly ruptured our bonds (at least until they've earned our trust back sufficiently), and to find new, supportive people to trust and to create healing community with.

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Why I Stopped Watching Porn-- A Young Man Speaks Out at TEDx Talks

One of the potential liabilities of doing counseling in this field is the susceptibility to feeling discouraged; consciously one has to work to offset the effects of feeling defeated by the depressing realities of sex addiction's rise. I am well aware that as the hypersexualization of our culture increases, PoSAs (partners of sex addicts) encounter more and more triggers, as do the sexual addicts/compulsives we share our lives with. That, in and of itself, can be incredibly challenging for all of us and asks us to maintain rigorous boundaries around how we live, what shows we watch, etc.

So, when I find news about someone who is making a difference by asking the mainstream public to question their consumption of sex as a commodity, I am incredibly heartened. To be honest, I'm overjoyed. When that person appears from outside the sex addiction recovery community, I'm highly intrigued (not that those inside the recovery community don't add a lot to the discourse happening more frequently). 

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Questions Partners Ask

One of the challenges of working with a topic for many years is that one can end up burrowing deeper and deeper into more complex aspects of the topic. One of the risks can be possibly losing touch with how a newcomer to the topic may still be struggling with "the basics". So while still engaging my interest in delving into the more complex aspects of progressed behaviors in addiction as well as chronic infidelity, I am devoting some time and webpage space to apprising newcomers of what they might expect as they find themselves in a strange new world of sex addiction or chronic infidelity with all its pain and confusion. Here, then, is Part One of the new series:

Sexual addiction, including pornography addiction, is one of the most harmful in relationships. The shame with this addiction for the addict and the spouse, the betrayal, trauma and stereotypes linked to the addiction are often devastating.

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