POSA™ Blog

PoSARC or The Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center educates, nurtures and helps partners work with the challenges of being coupled with a sexually deceptive, chronic cheater.

My Son Turned 9 Years Old This Week…

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The many, varied challenges that partners of sexually deceptive men face are typically the focus of our blogposts. But today we expand that focus to include a concern many of our partners express: the hideous fact that our children are being affected by the prevalence of pornography everywhere they turn, often despite our best efforts.

This tasks already infidelity-traumatized partners with a sizable burden: speaking with their children before the damaging exposure inevitably begins. 

To help give voice to the difficult feelings this can bring up for partners, we wanted to share an article that is not the usual how-to; rather, it is a stirring expression of a mother's care for her young son, her frustration at the culture we live in that turns a blind eye to pornography, and ultimately, it is a rousing call to action. Jill, who authored the piece, generously provided some of the original content for PoSARC almost a decade ago. Here, Jill articulates her heartbreak with her usual intelligence, wry humor and the awesome feistiness for which she's known. 

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Supporting Partners Whose Relationships Are Ending & Why It Matters

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Announcing new, peer-led Ex-POSA Support Groups!

Ask any partner or therapist who's ever started a partners of "sex addicts" support group (or POSA Meeting) and you're bound to hear them mention the challenge of supporting women who are staying their marriages some time after discovering their mate's sexually deceptive behaviors –and-- supporting women who want to leave their unsafe, still-abusive relationships...all within the same meeting. It can be a challenge at times, other times the divergence doesn't seem to significantly impact the quality of the overall meeting experience for attendees. 

Still, as much as all partners have in common, namely, being victimized by chronic betrayal and psychological manipulation, invariably, the differences in their trajectories can sometimes manifest as tension within the group. I recall in one particular POSA meeting I was chairing, there were 9 women present who wanted support or encouragement that they would survive the end of their relationships and only one woman attendee who was still hopeful about her marriage being able to survive after D-Day and the multiple slips she continued to discover. I noticed this partner was growing visibly agitated during the meeting whenever the other women shared their feelings about leaving, which ranged from heartbreak that years of his recovery efforts amounted to nothing, to fear about starting over again, to relief at the prospect of freedom from any more D-Days. After this particular meeting was over, the woman who was intent on staying married approached me privately and angrily demanded to know, "Why aren't there two types of meetings offered? I don't want to hear women talk about leaving their marriages when I'm doing all I can to find support for staying in mine!"
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Is Your Partner Watching you on Social Media or other Online Sites?

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​By Lili Bee & Cassie Kingan

Not a week goes by when a partner doesn't e-mail us with requests that we start either a Facebook page that's private, or else create a Forum where members can share their experiences of betrayal trauma with one another. We get asked to begin (or approve of) online PoSA meetings so geographical distances no longer stop PoSAs from meeting and supporting one another. We very well understand the allure and need for that.

While there are other reasons we wholeheartedely recommend PoSAs meet in person rather than online, the single biggest deterrent to us setting up such arrangements is that it becomes very difficult to stay ahead of techology in such a way that members would always be guaranteed their anonymity will be preserved. One only need to see the News and look at the data leaks occurring with increasing frequency across many major networks.

And then, there are the internal "leaks"... 

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Positive Illusions Allow Partners to Miss or Overlook Dishonesty

Because almost all of us were so blindsided by Discovery, we spend weeks, months, even years trying to piece together the "hows, whens and why's" of the deceptions generated by our chronic cheaters. 

In attempting to create an orderly narrative out of the chaos that our mate's betrayals brought into our lives, we swing between trying to stabilize ourselves— and—trying to fathom how we missed their deceptions playing out right under our noses, usually for years. 

Often, our sense of ourselves as formerly perceptive and/or intuitive can evaporate as we survey the breadth and depth of what are often incredibly elaborate deceptions unfolding in our relationship, unbeknownst to us.

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A Reader's Poem on the eve of her 16th Anniversary

Waiting for Divorce Papers on our 16th Anniversary

submitted by Sandy M.

We were cleaning up our game of checkers, our daughter beaming with pride as the conqueror, as you first laid eyes on your new conquest across the dark bar.

I slipped her Strawberry Shortcake nightgown over her head, as you discreetly slipped your wedding ring into your pocket.

"Come on sweetheart, let's go brush your teeth," I coaxed, as you flashed Her your most coaxing smile.

I looked into our daughter's beautiful brown eyes- your eyes- and talked about plans for the next day, as you looked into Her eyes- brown? blue? green? and planned your night with Her.

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One Man's Journey - Dan Mahle on Pornography Addiction

I am committed to a world of love, respect and safety for all people. I'm sick of all the shame, numbness and secrecy surrounding porn and addiction. And I'm outraged by all of the violence, degradation, and exploitation of women and children. Enough is enough!"

To read his blog post, click here: Dan Mahle Article

And then come back here and tell us what you think about the idea of a Men We Love category for PoSARC. I'm so pleased to report that we now have a small handful of men we'd love to showcase! God knows we need inspiration for the journey ~ what are your thoughts on us creating this new feature?


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Am I Enough this Valentine's Day?

As red hearts and pink cherubic cut-outs dominate shop windows on Valentine's Day, I want to send out some Valentine's thoughts of my own to all POSAs.

My inspiration came from walking up Madison Avenue, passing pricey artisanal chocolate boutiques with customers in line paying for their lover's Valentine's Day chocolates and more than a few men shopping for jewelry along Fifth Avenue.

And not surprisingly, quite the line of men at Victoria's Secret, under the hypnotic glaze of the nearly un-dressed, GIGANTIC displays of models in silky lingerie, seduction-bombing every man on the street.

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New POSA Support Group Materials

IT HAS BEEN SO VERY INSPIRING TO WORK WITH THESE POSAS

There have been at least five new POSA Meetings formed in this past year alone! It has been so very inspiring to work with these POSAs who took the initiative to begin hosting meetings in their local areas. Our communications in working together have energized and empowered all of us!

We know how treacherous life can feel in the wake of discovering that your life partner has betrayed you. One of the more extraordinary gifts hidden within this relational devastation is the power of POSAs to find and to support one another. To begin our healing process, we can learn to stop trying to bond back to the person who carelessly ruptured our bonds (at least until they've earned our trust back sufficiently), and to find new, supportive people to trust and to create healing community with.

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