A Welcome From PoSARC Founder, Lili Bee

Is your partner cheating on you? Do you suspect chronic infidelity has ravaged your relationship? If you fear you're losing your partner to sex addiction, porn addiction, strip clubs, webcam sex, escort services, fetish sites, massage parlors, hookup apps and married cheater sites, then we know how devastated you probably are. Or maybe he's in recovery and you're tired of being called a codependent instead of the betrayal trauma survivor you are. Welcome – here you'll find the support you need. Get Help

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If you have discovered that your partner (or spouse) has been using pornography, cybersex, strip clubs, massage parlors, having affairs, using prostitutes or escort services, we know how these betrayals can traumatize you. PoSARC was created as a resource center to help you to regain your strength and heal using the trauma treatment model rather than the co-addict model.

Read more: Introduction to PoSARC

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Do you feel like you're going insane in trying to comprehend the behaviors of your spouse or partner, who may be showing signs of being a sex addict/compulsive?

Is your partner attempting to deceive you, or minimizing their own behaviors?  And if you bring their attention to this, would they blame you or others, trying to escape the responsibility for their own actions?

The deception, justification, minimization and utter lack of empathy of a sex addict/compulsive (SAC) can greatly increase our sense of betrayal, causing us to shut down, isolate and fall into paralyzing pain, often with many unanswered questions, such as:

Read more: Supportive Coaching

imageIf what you have believed to be reality within your intimate relationship is crumbling and shattering before your eyes, then with a fair degree of certainty, you are experiencing a trauma, a rupture of your primary relational attachment. Maintaining your sanity and deciding what to do has become your greatest need.

Read more: Discovery

image Unlike other compulsions and addictions, sex and porn addiction is more easily concealable as there is often no tangible evidence. We can smell alcohol abuse and observe altered behavior from intoxication and drug use. Shopping, gambling and food disorders leave physical traces. But sex and porn addiction can be rendered imperceptible, especially in the digital age.

Read more: Discerning Whether Sexual Addiction / Compulsion or Porn Addiction May Be Present

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The exploitative harm done to one person by another in a marital/primary relationship through any form of abuse, betrayal, addiction or compulsion, is known as Interpersonal Relational Trauma. A form of PTSD, it's important to know how it affects you. Trauma recovery requires re-establishing your safety. You need firm boundaries with clear and certain consequences for further infractions or violations.

Read more: Interpersonal Relational Trauma

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You have weathered the discovery that your spouse/partner is a sex addict/compulsive (SAC). Perhaps you are still discovering new behaviors or the extent of his acting out. What does that mean for you and the relationship? For your children if you have them? Feeling lost, without a compass is what each of us feel in addition to feeling betrayed, angry, hurt and devastated. This is where education is your best ally.

Read more: What to Expect

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Boundaries are the coastlines between us and others, the world, our own thoughts and feelings and the thoughts and feelings of others, between our spiritual lives and the spirituality of others, for instance. They are instinctual unless they are trained/traumatized away. Partners of sex addicts generally need help with their boundaries once they discover their partner's sexual acting out has violated those.

Read more: Boundary Violation

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As your trauma is uniquely yours, the events you have experienced play upon your psyche in a specific way; your wounds are unique and your recovery will be unique. There are some guideposts, though. Directing your own recovery with the support of a group for POSAs, friends, POSA coaching, etc. can give you the confidence you may be lacking in taking care of yourself in the world.

Read more: Healing Path

sexual anorexia

Dr. Doug Weiss’ definition of sexual anorexia is, “The active, almost compulsive withholding of emotional, spiritual and sexual intimacy from the primary partner.” But, how can this be? Isn’t this a site for/about partners abandoned by their porn-addicted significant other? How can someone who is addicted to pornography or other sexual acting out then compulsively withhold sex from their partner?

Read more: Learn how to recognize and work with Sexual Anorexia

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Every POSA's story is noteworthy. We've selected a few that represent different trajectories of sexual compulsion, how it played out and how a partner responded to it in order to rescue her own sense of self, her own life, really. Just as having a chronically ill child impacts a mother's everyday life, having a SAC partner/spouse does also.

Read more: POSA Stories

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Oftentimes we have similar enough scenarios for us all to relate to and learn from. This section contains some of the more common calls for help and clarity as we confront the challenges and chaos that sex addicts/compulsives have created in our lives and relationships. We invite you to submit questions and information to us at PoSARC which you feel may be useful and relevant to others. We can all help each other.

Read more: FAQs


Additional Content

  • Glossary of Terms

    Reading recovery literature or attending your first meetings can make you feel like an outsider who doesn't speak the 'language'. Here, we help you decipher Read More
  • Music That Helped Us Through The Blues

    Nothing catalyzes deep feeling like music can. Here are the songs that helped us find our feelings, or escape for a while from the intensity Read More
  • Site Creation

    Birthed from the searing pain of repeated betrayals, this is the story behind how this website came into existence. Just goes to show when life Read More
  • Lili Bee is the founder of PoSARC, for partners of sex addicts and porn addicts

    The day after the 9/11 attacks on her city, Lili Bee was asked by a physician friend to volunteer her time in the makeshift clinic Read More
  • PoSARC Archives

    Here you'll find our articles and interviews published elsewhere, our older blog posts and more. On this page we will keep track of all our Read More
  • Contact

    We love hearing from our fellow POSAs, so here's how to contact us. Send us your stories, suggestions for topics you'd like to see covered Read More
  • In Gratitude

    Deep thanks are in order to a great many angels who helped us along in this journey. The work on this site would not have Read More
  • Recovery Organizations

    START YOUR OWN POSA Support Group Meeting Please be aware that to our knowledge, all of the 12-step programs for partners of sex addicts refer Read More
  • POSA Meetings

    Here is a list of meetings started up by our readers in their own areas. If you do start your own meeting using our free Read More
  • Privacy Statement

    Wherein we assure you that your information is always kept completely confidential and safely under lock and key. Wherein we assure you we never sell Read More
  • Disclaimer

    Legalese for making sure you know that you're the captain of your own ship and ultimately, you are responsible for the choices you make and Read More
  • Cancellation Policy

    In prepaying for coaching with PoSARC, you commit to a specific time slot and we commit to keeping this time open for you. We realize Read More
  • Starting Your Own POSA Group

    If you would wish to start your own POSA support group meeting, we offer free downloadable materials for you to get started. If you are Read More
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Have Your Voice Heard - Participate In a Research Study

If you care to participate in a research study being conducted for the doctoral dissertation of a student interested in partners of sex addicts, please CLICK HERE for more information.

(note: PoSARC is not affiliated with this research study). 

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Great article on a guy who quits porn on his own because HE realizes the costs of him continuing to use it. https://t.co/nSrV6zrcrI

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