POSA™ Blog

PoSARC or The Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Center educates, nurtures and helps partners work with the challenges of being coupled with a sexually deceptive, chronic cheater.

Our Review of A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal

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A few weeks ago in The New York Times, reviewer Meghan Daum writes up a new book dealing with infidelity discovered by a trusting wife (author Jen Waite) and the fall-out from that, as well as the steps out of her private hell with her chronic cheater. From the New York Times review of A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal:

"Author Jen Waite retraces her steps through a relationship that first gives her the "strange sensation of seeing the world in color for the first time"  but eventually reveals itself to be a series of setups at the hands of a master manipulator….the memoir is a study in "gas lighting"—making someone feel that she is crazy or only imagining things….
Waite has a knack for showing the ways that cognitive dissonance can chart pathways in the mind that cause emotional confusion to obscure rational thought…
By the end, she has decided to pursue a degree to become a therapist specializing in women recovering from sociopathic relationships…the book works best when Waite is sharing what she learns about destructive personality disorders and what makes certain people vulnerable to those that have them.
"
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A Reader's Poem on the eve of her 16th Anniversary

Waiting for Divorce Papers on our 16th Anniversary

submitted by Sandy M.

We were cleaning up our game of checkers, our daughter beaming with pride as the conqueror, as you first laid eyes on your new conquest across the dark bar.

I slipped her Strawberry Shortcake nightgown over her head, as you discreetly slipped your wedding ring into your pocket.

"Come on sweetheart, let's go brush your teeth," I coaxed, as you flashed Her your most coaxing smile.

I looked into our daughter's beautiful brown eyes- your eyes- and talked about plans for the next day, as you looked into Her eyes- brown? blue? green? and planned your night with Her.

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3 Simple Tools to Calm the Nervous System after Infidelity Discoveries, Triggers or Other Dysregulating Events

3 Simple Tools to Calm the Nervous System after Infidelity Discoveries, Triggers or Other Dysregulating Events

Anger, hopelessness, despair, panic, rage and other "dark" emotions can hijack our nervous systems whenever we are overwhelmed. Those who have struggled with betrayal trauma know this territory all too well.

Overwhelm can come due to a new discovery about our mates' secretive sexual behaviors, it can overtake us when we witness a natural disaster such as an earthquake, widfire or hurricane or it can be due to a political system in distress or transition, as what just happened here in the United States as well as recently in Britain.

I think it's worth taking note of, that no matter which half of the country (USA) one currently feels aligned with, that still leaves roughly half the population that is angry, feels resentful, disappointed, etc. In other words, there is a lot of activation in the environment, regardless of whether your side "won" or not, or whether you participated in voting or not.

The difficult fact is, we now live in a super-charged climate that has the ability to dysregulate our emotional systems whenever we have to interact with the outside world.

So how do we do that without insisting on isolating ourselves inside our own tribe of like-minded others?

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Ashley Madison App to rate “What's Your Wife Worth?”

Ashley Madison App to rate “What's Your Wife Worth?”

Seems good old Noel Biderman who founded Ashley Madison had an app in development that allowed men to rate their wives' appearance and then invite other members of the married cheater's site to go ahead and contribute their own opinion of what someone's wife was worth, looks-wise.

The screenshot (below) shows the app with the rating and the woman's value in dollar amounts that appear as the ratings come in.

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Sweet revenge: Ashley Madison website held hostage

Sweet revenge: Ashley Madison website held hostage

PoSARC's inbox was full the past few days with e-mails coming in from readers wanting to share the news: the world's largest married cheaters website, Ashley Madison had been hacked by insiders who called themselves The Impact Team.

The hacking team gained access to almost 40 million website members' personal data, including their names, addresses, credit card numbers and even their sexual preferences, causing the site to immediately suspend operations as panic ensued.

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How Do You Spot a Lie?

How Do You Spot a Lie?

Have you ever noticed how your powers of discernment have noticeably sharpened during this entire journey of being partnered with a sex addict/compulsive? Part of that comes from frequently having to figure out if you're being given the truth, weighing out what you're told against what you perceive.

While we are having to rely on our intuition over and over again while in relationship to a SAC (sex addict/compulsive), it might be worthwhile to learn some basic skills that can help us along the way.

In the TED Talk video below, fraud specialist Pamela Mayer encourages us to educate ourselves on how to detect a lie but then we're also admonished to "....go the extra mile from lie-spotting to truth-seeking....and ultimately to trust-building". I don't know a single POSA who wouldn't desire that exact trajectory. Cautiously, of course.

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Essential Reading For All POSAs

Essential Reading For All POSAs

One of the very many things my sex addict taught me in the years that followed Discovery was that there wasn't just oneflavor of lying, the necessary component that allows secretive behavior to flourish undetected- no, there was a sizable rainbow assortment I never even knew existed. Of course, this is hardly unique amongst sex addict/compulsives (SACs) in their dealings with their partners.

Over the years, I learned, as I'm sure a lot of readers here did, about the many nuances in all the different types of omissions, half-stories and complete fabrications, the gaslighting and the twists and turns involved in purposely manipulating another person's reality. I've read a lot of books on the character disturbed and their manipulative tactics (with lying being primary) but never imagined I'd actually enjoy reading anything on this onerous topic. Till now:

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Replay: Porn Addiction How And Why Porn Use Hurts Partners In Such A Deeply Personal Way

On April 17th, 2012 Lili and Terre hosted a Facebook live stream event with our friends from PornHarms on the devastating effects of porn on the partner of the user.

We felt our community may like a replay of this event We hope you are inspired, and will share it
with those you know who may benefit from seeing it, and promote it to your support networks.

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