What do you have to be grateful for this past year? Perhaps it's been a year of Discovery that your partner has chronically betrayed you and it feels like a stretch to be grateful for anything much at all.
We understand that feeling all too well. Discovery and the shock, anger and grief that usually ensues can challenge every ounce of our being and we may question everything, including even why we're sitting here reading a blogpost about gratitude. Maybe we're feeling so angry at having been a faithful and supportive partner only to learn that he (or she) was reading from a different "rule book" than the one we were. Or they dispensed with the rule book altogether.
So what can we possibly summon up to be grateful for this Thanksgiving? Is there even any point to it?
Well, here's a little action step I'd like to share with you all, and you don't have to be new to Discovery to derive benefit from using it:
I remember that even while I was in the midst of incredible amounts of pain and confusion around Discovery of my partner's sex addiction, I found that one of the best self-care steps I could take was making note of anything I could find gratitude for. In the beginning, asking myself this question as a daily 'step' really helped with providing much-needed structure (especially since everything else that used to have structure felt like it was falling apart). Mind you, I did not feel compelled to do this, my counselor insisted I do it, but I'm very glad she did.
Now, I had such bad days, no, months, that the absolute only thing on my list was one item a day for those very dark months:
"Today I am grateful that my lungs still breathe, that my heart beats all by itself, that my skin and hair regenerate by themselves, and my cells, organs and everything else in my body is continuing it's work without my doing anything about it. At least it's one thing I do not have to manage on my own."
It got that bad; every little thing completely overwhelmed me. Today we can identify that response as a trauma reaction. But I truly did get a brief respite from pain, sitting in the energy of relief from reflecting on that one point of gratitude. Of knowing that whatever it is that allows me to just be in my body and know "it works" is a blessing. And if I'm able to hang out there for awhile, another gratitude may arise, such as, "I'm grateful that at least my kids are doing ok at school and haven't lost their ability to laugh." That is a huge blessing, too.
It's not about conjuring a long list with many items on it. It's more about recognizing that no matter how awful things truly are right now, at least there may be one small goodness we can point to. In that recognition, we are also planting a tiny seed towards hopefulness that eventually, our gratitude list may grow. My sincere hope for you is that it grows mightily in the coming days.
Eventually we may see that as bad as things may be in our personal relationship right now, or what's left of it, there is such blessing in the support that exists when we reach out for help.
It may come in the form of an understanding friend who just happens to call us when we're feeling swallowed up by our grief. Or we find a support group that starts feeling like a wonderful life raft filled with kindred spirits. As we reach down inside ourselves to find the words of encouragement for someone else who's suffering similarly, it can take us out of our own stories for a while. That can help a lot to suspend our pain for a time.
Or the gift of support may come in the form of a well-timed meeting with a therapist or counselor who helps us 'hold' all the craziness long enough to see a tiny pathway emerge out of the thicket. Were we not utterly freaked out, these small graces may go unnoticed. But right after Discovery, they are godsends.
We hope you are all experiencing the comfort in connecting with at least one other POSA, hopefully more. If not, tell us and we'll do our best to connect you with others.
And that reminds me, I'm very thankful and honored to be of service to the many who started POSA groups wherever they live. This summer, we added Singapore to the list of international POSA meetings and it's grown tremendously in just a few short months! There are many other in-person meetings around the country being planned as we speak.
This year I am especially grateful for the incredible lessons my private clients teach me every week. They are so often the very embodiment of courage, just picking themselves up, hour after hour and facing their radically-altered lives with such bravery. These POSAs awaken in me the deepest respect for their resilience, strength and courage.
I am also grateful for the addicts in recovery who are doing the hard work. Although the culture does not generally support long-term, sustainable sexuality for monogamous couples because it goes against the hypersexuality that our media pushes to sell products and services, I still believe there are addicts and compulsives who are growing tired of their unhealthy choices and are seeking change. Those who are doing the work are instrumental in helping me not lose faith altogether that our society is just plain doomed. In my new blog post, out next week, I will introduce you to an inspiring new movement of such men that is steadily building impressive steam.
I am grateful to the therapists and healers who are pushing beyond the boundaries of older, sometimes outdated models of recovery and moving into more egalitarian recovery models that advantage not only the addict, but also treat the POSA with more rights and respect, and often therefore, the couple has a chance of surviving.
I'm grateful for those therapists, coaches and healers who are adding new treatment modalities that foster qualitative, long-lasting changes in their clients/patients. Though it's been slow in coming, there is definitely change afoot at the treatment end of the addiction recovery community, and for this I am extremely grateful.
I'm indebted to the tireless help I get from my own kindreds here at work: Terre, Michael, Scott A, Jeffrey our web guru, and Tony our web developer. Thank you all for holding the vision and putting in the long hours.
PoSARC has grown so much this year, as well. We've got all kinds of new plans being laid for expansion into many exciting areas, so stay tuned for those details.
In the meanwhile, we'd love to hear from you.
What are YOU grateful for this year, relative to your being (or having been) the partner of a porn/sex addict or compulsive?
Let us know in the space below, and feel free to use a pseudonyn to protect your anonymity if you so choose.
Happy Thanksgiving to one and all....May your holidays be blessed with gratitude.
With much love, Lili