Because almost all of us were so blindsided by Discovery, we spend weeks, months, even years trying to piece together the "hows, whens and why's" of the deceptions generated by our chronic cheaters. 

In attempting to create an orderly narrative out of the chaos that our mate's betrayals brought into our lives, we swing between trying to stabilize ourselves— and—trying to fathom how we missed their deceptions playing out right under our noses, usually for years. 

Often, our sense of ourselves as formerly perceptive and/or intuitive can evaporate as we survey the breadth and depth of what are often incredibly elaborate deceptions unfolding in our relationship, unbeknownst to us.

A just-published article in Psychology Today sheds some light on why partners can be easy to dupe, as well as why we often downplay nascent feelings of suspicion or negativity towards our mates when it seems they might be lying to us, typically, before Discovery. 

Written by an attorney who is both a career prosecutor and a behavioral expert, as well as an author on a book about deception, we quote here a particularly chilling excerpt from Dr. Wendy L. Patrick's article (hyperlinked, below) :

"Deceivers are thus able to improve their craft by practicing deception within close relationships, and monitoring reaction for signs of distrust.

Burgoon et al. (2015) observed that deceivers capitalize on familiarity to craft lies that are consistent with a receiver´s knowledge base, and watch carefully for signs of disbelief.[v] 
They note that liars can thereby improve their performance over time when interacting within familiar relationships. They explain that this improvement is presumably due in part to a reduction in cognitive stress while lying, based on the ability to more easily manage self-presentation with practice."

It can be unnerving to consider that generally only those who experience a reduction in stress when lying to a loved one tend to have significant underlying psychopathology at work. Similarly with the ability of deceivers to use lying "to more easily manage self-presentation with practice". 

To anyone studying the personality disorders (especially those listed under the DSM's Axis 2, Cluster B) of narcissism, borderline, antisocial, etc., these "image management" or "impression management" tactics, as well as the chronic lying referenced in the article's research study will be easily recognizable as characteristics of these personality disorders. 

We will be writing more about these problematic characteristics in connection with chronic infidelity soon, including helpful resources for you. 

After reading Dr. Wendy L. Patrick's short article Why Bad Looks Good- Love Blinds Why We Miss Dishonesty in Close Relationships, ask yourself this: 

Do you notice any correlations between the liars in the research study and your own mate (or ex)? What forms did it take? What effect did it have on you?

Then, please ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​share your findings with us and our readers in the Comment section below. Our shared stories, reflections and wonderings are how we all learn from one another! And yes, you can post anonymously.