Recovery You Can Expect from Your Sex Addict/Compulsive

Finding out you were living with someone who violated your trust has shattered your world, yes, but it has also ushered in an opportunity for big change. You’re learning to develop and trust your own discernment, the inner guiding voice. This will be a lifelong process, not an event. The event was learning that your partner was a Sex Addict/Compulsive (SAC) and now it's time to re-center yourself in your own safety.

The process is learning to gain your strength and to find your own voice, which, depending on your childhood story, may be rather difficult, but critical to your healing. Commit to yourself that from now on, your needs come first, which you’re hopefully supporting by doing your own recovery work. Please know: we do realize how difficult it is to embrace the fact that we have to do recovery work when it is they who have betrayed us!

Can we make it any easier for ourselves? Is there a map to get us through this maze? Here are the steps going forward as we see them:

• We commit to doing our own healing work—that’s about OURSELVES.
• We learn about our rights to find and set our boundaries with our SAC, create consequences if they are disrespected and enforce the consequences if our partner willfully ignores them and acts out anyway—that’s about US relating to our SAC.
• He has some response to all of this: recovery or no recovery—that’s about HIM.

Let’s look at number three. We wish we could say it’s as simple as him stating he either wants recovery or he doesn’t. Alas, it just never seems to be a straight road, and here’s where it gets tricky. You already believed his words all along that tried to convince you your suspicions were wrong and nothing “odd” was going on when it wasn’t true. Or you found him out and he lied, said he was sorry and would immediately cease acting out, then didn’t. Or else you made your discovery, confronted him and he freaked out on you, blamed you for some things/everything and made you out to be the insane one. (*sigh*) Or the intolerant, insecure, uptight, prudish, etc. one. There are as many flavors of blame as there are couples. All the same, the SAC very rarely admits his actions and takes responsibility for them. Blaming the PoSA is the tack taken the vast majority of the time.

Let’s be optimistic and take the one where he says he wants to begin recovery. What does that look like? How do we know it’s real? Can we insist on a specific pathway to recovery for him as a condition of our staying together?

Yes, we can and even should insist on specific recovery steps he needs to take if we intend to stay with him. For example: you can expect a commitment to recovery defined by ACTIONS, (not more promises). Those actions should include:

• Therapy once a week with a Sex Addiction therapist. Outpatient therapy here may be sufficient, or the weekly therapy may be what he attends after residential treatment. That will depend on the severity of his addiction and the consequences, etc. You are within your rights to insist that the chosen therapist be a fully-trained sex addiction therapist—not a therapist that has taken a few CEU hours of sex addiction training. Training in this specialty really matters. Check credentials! SACs are very charming and manipulative, and can easily hoodwink an unsuspecting therapist into months and months of circuitous delays.
• Attendance at one of the S-groups (SAA, SA, SLAA, SCA). Depending on where you live, the frequency of these meetings may differ. Once a week attendance is minimum, and twice a week would signal a more significant commitment to change. Your religious community may offer weekly meetings for recovery from sex addiction, as well. Your SAC, with the guidance of his therapist must decide which venue is most appropriate for him.

It’s important to say here that although most sex addiction therapists feel that porn addicts can learn humility and begin to take sex addiction seriously while in the presence of addicts with more “progressed” (than porn) acting out behaviors and their consequences, some do not. There are a few therapists who generally do not encourage those SACs whose behavior is limited to porn, to attend 12-step “S-group” meetings if there is not significant recovery amongst the members of those meetings. At the very least, the new SAC needs to proceed cautiously.

The reasons these therapists give are two-fold: Porn addicts may leave meetings feeling very “normal” or even absolved of their “problem” since what’s shared at these meetings is often much more “hardcore” than “just” porn. Porn addiction meets more criteria for stimulation in sex addicts than most of the other sexual acting out behaviors. So porn addiction can actually be the most difficult of all the acting out behaviors to cease! When the porn addict attends meetings he can actually be more vulnerable to risk than the others in attendance. He can wrongly decide that he’s not in any danger since he’s only into porn. This is obviously a big mistake!

And secondly, the porn addict may learn even “worse” behaviors/habits from others’ shares, not realizing how precarious his own situation truly is. So, what to do? If the addict is already attending meetings and feeling growth as a result of them, he needn’t stop; there’s likely enough men with strong, solid recovery there for him to feel he is making progress. That's laudable. But if he has never been to a meeting, care should be taken to “check out” its membership for at least 6 meetings, to see if there are at least some members with long-term recovery.

The trick is for the SAC to try out the different fellowships and be honest about which meetings are attended by people with the most long-term recovery. Sex addiction is a relatively new field, and the S-meetings are in a place today, where AA was 35 years ago, meaning: it is rather new, has many members wracked with their own shame, and carrying the stigma of others, and with “outsiders” generally ignorant about the condition of sex addiction. As such, it’s important to consider which meetings will be a help, and which might not be. For a combination of factors, the slip/relapse rate can be very high at these meetings, discouraging new members. Our hope at PoSARC, is for a future where porn addicts have/create their own support groups with other porn addicts.

• Accountability, which should be with another recovering man, ideally his Sponsor and/or therapist.
• Weekly meetings with you in which he discloses what he’s working on, how he’s doing and any slips/ relapses.

Polygraph testing

Polygraph testing helps many PoSAs finally have a way to objectively measure the truth after being lied to by their SAC, often for long periods of time. As noted elsewhere in this site, that alone can make a PoSA feel like she's losing her mind. Polygraph testing is now catching on as a tool in the Sex Addiction Recovery community and quite a few rehab and healing centers for sex addiction make these tests mandatory for the SAC beginning treatment. Their past behaviors suddenly can get very "real" to them once they know they must admit everything to the polygrapher, or risk failing the test. For some SACs, this marks the beginning of a new level of honesty and can help them take personal responsibility for their actions.

But, because polygraph testing for this purpose is relatively new, it is not available everywhere yet. Care must also be exercised when ordering polygraphs as the polygrapher must have training that takes into account the unique ways a SAC thinks and can cover his tracks, and ideally be a SAC in long-term recovery himself. Also, asking your SAC to take a polygraph test is best handled within the care and guidance given by the treatment centers that offer it. At the very least, a CSAT should be on board, guiding the process. Polygraphy is very rarely successful when it's a stand-alone procedure ordered by a PoSA, as there are too many variables that need overseeing by a professional trained in dealing with sex addiction.

While we have never met a SAC who was overjoyed at the prospect of being polygraphed, once they commit to real recovery, we've heard from SACs who find it an invaluable tool to help them stay on track. Knowing there will be upcoming tests to verify their actions makes acting out again something they have to consider very carefully and can often help them take their recoveries much more seriously.

We are working on bringing you updated information on where/ how you and your SAC can gain access to this tool.

Considerations on couple's therapy

Also, you might want to attend couple’s therapy with his Sex Addiction therapist, if he’ll see you both. It’s important that, if not, the therapist you select be very familiar with this affliction, otherwise they’ll likely miss key components that addicts and their traumatized partners are dealing with. Worse yet, they might minimize the effects of the addiction altogether and suggest this predominantly has to do with your own issues, not the addict’s traumatizing behavior.

You may be interested in couple’s therapy because you're desperate to be heard on many points: your abandonment, rejection, the deception, etc. and for guidance on how to be a couple with this addiction present. However, unless and until the SAC truly commits to doing his own recovery work, there won't be much chance you'll make it as a couple. Once he does commit, seeing progress in him will likely be much more important to you than hearing more words and promises. This is one that Terre and I both learned the hard way. Talk is cheap, and the SAC must 'walk the talk' or keep on walking! Also, be aware that the SAC's primary therapy commitment should be with his Sex Addiction Therapist. It is highly likely the therapist will insist on the SAC committing to his own recovery for a period of time before undertaking couple's therapy. If this seems unfair to you, please know we understand! And- it really won't work any other way, since the SAC new to recovery cannot really "take you in" for a while, anyway. He is likely in a total "spin" as addiction has a way of making a real mess everywhere.

Remember: cessation of active addiction is an important, but early step the process of rebuilding your relationship. Please know that empathy is not part of a newly recovering addict's emotional/relational repertoire for a surprisingly long time. We cannot emphasize this enough. It's also why we keep reiterating how important it is for you, the PoSA, to do your own healing work before attempting to salvage the relationship.

Possible SAC reactions to recovery

Do we even need to say that we realize your SAC will most likely not break out the balloons and party hats when you mandate what you expect from his recovery? No, we didn’t think we needed to say that, either! You can expect every manner of hell to emanate from your man if he has any resistance to what he feels is “control” over him. Even if he says he wants recovery, you may still encounter obstacles he throws down as a way to resist fully acquiescing to what you need to stay with him.

Partners navigate between insisting that their SAC’s recovery follow a discernible pattern of progress—and being accused of being controlling, micro-managing and dictating the recovery of a less-than-enthused SAC. Sometimes it is a very narrow passageway for PoSAs.

Well, when your decision to stay or leave them is determined by your observation of whether they’re doing recovery, or how they’re doing it, you can bet the partner is going to be looking in on them. Be mindful, however, that this is tricky terrain for PoSAs: We need to be assured the SAC is serious about doing real recovery, YES. And- we also need to respect that once they have demonstrably committed to it, we need to "Let Go and Let God", or step aside somewhat with the trust that our partner also has their own Higher Power. Sound like a dance? Well, it is. And, sadly, sometimes relapse is part of their journey. But don't lose heart: Relapse can also help them realize the extent of their powerlessness over their addiction. Other times, they play the "Ooops, I relapsed" card as a way to avoid doing the hard work of recovery. We know full well how crazy-making the entire process is for us. Either way, we PoSAs must develop our own commitment to our own recoveries or risk feeling like a can tied to the bumper of the SAC's car. That's just giving someone way too much power over you and your well-being.

The Serenity Prayer can help a lot here:
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (him or his addiction)
The courage to change the things I can (me and my own efforts at healing myself)
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Detachment

On the days when you’re feeling strong in your own life, and your own projects are moving well, it’s a whole lot easier to be detached about how the compulsive is doing in recovery. Detachment is the big tool for PoSAs to master. Of course, the much bigger challenge is that for the partner who’s just survived the trauma of being put through hell with all his acting out behaviors, the broken trust, ripped-apart dreams, uncertain future, the abandonment and rejection, it can be downright near impossible to detach from whether or how the addict does recovery. This, in fact, was the biggest obstacle for me to surmount when I attended my own 12-step group for CoSAs, and with therapists, even those trained in sex addiction. When my whole future with this man I loved but who was addicted, hung in the balance, them telling me to “detach with love” was akin to asking me to jump off a cliff over the Grand Canyon!

I remember a sex addiction therapist saying to me after we’d been working together awhile, “I’ll know you’re really recovering when we can spend an entire session together working on your stuff and you don’t bring up "X's" name even once.” ("X" was my SAC)

I was stunned. That’s his reaction to my wanting to know what I could expect next?

I responded with, “That’s not likely unless I just leave "X’s" sorry butt right now, since 1) I have my own regular therapist to work on “my” issues with, and 2) I am here to find a compass through the mess of "X’s" addiction. That’s what I’ve hired you for since you’re a specialist”.

“You need to detach from "X" with love, and work on your own codependency issues”, was his final wisdom on the matter of my wanting to know the prognosis of my partner's sexual anorexia, since that so greatly affected my own sexuality.

I didn’t realize my interest in my own sexual future made me a raging codependent.

Looking back over that time period, I've come to wonder if there are any professions more challenging than being a Sex Addiction therapist. We can only surmise the difficulty of working with the SAC, but I must "own" that I was probably very challenging for our couple's therapist, too, when he saw me without my SAC. In retrospect, what I needed and got too little of, was empathy for what I was going through. But at the time, I had no way of knowing that I also needed the constant reminder to stay focused on my own recovery process, as annoying as it was to keep hearing that. Did the therapist perfectly hit the mark each time he saw me for our solo sessions? No. But he was human and was doing the very best he could in a Wild West kind of scenario.

The desire to offer PoSAs more empathy for dealing with the craziness of life with a SAC is what inspired us to offer coaching here at PoSARC.

Final considerations

Another aspect of the SAC’s recovery I wished I had learned about earlier on, was something Dr. Doug Weiss talks about. He advises us PoSAs to beware the man who turns your desire for his recovery into a “game”, whereby he re-enacts his own childhood dynamics with his mother (or if the SAC is a woman, she’ll turn her PoSA into Dad). The SAC can become passive aggressive, pushing against boundaries they were never allowed to push against as a boy with mother.

So, beware that sideshow may be going on, and insist on what you need to hang in there.

Lastly, there are no guarantees even if he does get recovery. His sustained recovery isn’t guaranteed for sure, but neither is the outcome of all this. You may simply have become too exhausted to stay interested in him, or he changes too vastly in recovery in ways that leave you incompatible with each other. This is why it’s imperative to take good care of YOU throughout this journey. And then if the relationship works out, which we certainly hope it does, you'll both be in a much more healed position to restart.

We Recommend:

Books:

Mending A Shattered Heart edited by Stefanie Carnes, Ph.D.
Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. (anything by him is informative on the topic of sex addiction)
Recovery Start Kit:
Dr. Patrick Carnes, the pioneer of sex addiction research, offers a very comprehensive Recovery Start Kit, available through a Sex Addiction Therapist and designed to be worked under the therapist's guidance. We are extremely grateful to Dr. Carnes for putting together such a wonderful kit, which, when followed correctly, yields up a very high success rate for recovery.

DVD's:

Addict to Addict by Doug Weiss, Ph.D.
Straight talk from recovering sex addicts, this DVD is highly inspirational for early recovery and what is involved, yet is non-threatening and inviting to "new" addicts.
Pornography—Confronting the Addiction by Blue 8 Productions
A serious yet non-alarmist view of porn addiction, presented documentary-style, that's well-suited for rather gently exposing a potential sexual compulsive to the possibility that he might have a problem with pornography. Reviewed here in Film Reviews.

—Lili