FAQ's

My world is falling apart since finding out my partner is living a secret life sexually. When is the pain and numbness going to go away?

Although it seems impossible to imagine right now, with time, patience, healing work and lots of support, you will begin to gain distance from the raw pain you are feeling now, Of course, everyone heals at their own rate so we cannot predict how long it'll take you, but we can promise that if you do your own healing work, the pain will recede. We cannot stress enough the importance of seeking support as soon as possible (check out our Resources pages) and not isolating yourself due to any shame or fear you may be experiencing right now. Others who have already been through this can be an immeasurable source of guidance and support now. And do check out the recovery practices that can bring you back to balance in  our section called The Healing Path for Partners.

When I share at meetings about my Sex Addict/Compulsive's (SAC's) acting out behaviors, I am told, "Don't take it personally, it isn't about you."
Right now, nothing feels further from the truth!

I (Lili) will agree that this is the single most maddening and difficult "truth" to believe and I will even confess, that all these years later, I still catch myself every once in a while recalling that excruciating time of losing my SAC, and actually still wondering, "If I were prettier, porn wouldn't have gripped him the way it did. Then we'd probably still be together, and..." I catch myself drifting into some insane reverie. Or, "I'll bet if I had gotten breast implants, he wouldn't have let porn take over his life like that and…"

I share these personal anecdotes to show you how pernicious the feeling can be of having been "replaced" by the "objects" of his affections. Nothing, but I mean nothing was harder for me to swallow than the ludicrous-sounding statement that his choosing other women had nothing to do with me!

That belief didn't loosen its grip on me until I read enough books on sex addiction, usually written by recovered sex addicts (and they would know). It's also why we at PoSARC created a feature where partners can ask a sex addict in recovery their questions right here on this site. From sex addicts in recovery, I learned that sexual compulsives or addicts have an intimacy disorder and that they use non-relational sex primarily as way to enter a "zone" whereby any uncomfortable feelings abate. That zone cannot be provided by a loving, long-term partner because once she truly knows him, he feels threatened that she may leave, reject him, hurt him as he was likely hurt by a woman earlier in life. It's precisely because the "other" women he now engages with do not know him that makes his drug (porn/sex addiction) so potent.

Once you fully understand this, you'll see why his addiction cannot be about you! We would highly recommend educating yourself about this addiction so you can truly know why it has nothing to do with you, even if you magically transformed yourself into a movie star!

Terre's thoughts: His behavior is not about you, but it surely does affect you. Understanding the distinction between his addiction not being about you and affecting you is critical to your sanity. While nothing is more “personal” than your life and your relationship, you as a person do not factor into his decisions. And the underlying irony is that he is so unsure of himself maintaining a real relational connection with you that he opts for the addiction as a seemingly more sure bet. Actually, an active SAC is buying a really bad insurance policy—vis-a-vis the porn and other acting out behaviors—to guarantee that he is never alone, never has to face himself, that he always has “someone” should you opt to leave him. In his desperation, he is making it more likely that you will leave him and thus begin the deceptions on his part. Logical? Of course not. Addicts do not make sense.

Part of a SAC's deception may well be to blame you for relational difficulties, even if ever-so-subtly. This is how it is not about you—the madness stems from him—and yet, it feels very personal to you. This is where boundaries and discernment matter most. Get very real with yourself about all of your feelings. Assess what it will take to create safety for yourself and act in a way that supports you and your safety. And begin to implement those into your life. It won't be easy, but it will save your sanity and perhaps your life.

I've just found pornography that belongs to my partner and I'm very upset. What is the best way to confront him about this?

Approach him in the way that most honors your feelings right now, and you also want to do so in the way most likely to effect an optimal outcome from the confrontation. If at all possible, waiting for a day or so can be helpful for the intensity to die down so things aren't said or done that may be regretted later. Speaking to a trusted elder, therapist, friend or PoSA Coach can help you validate your feelings, reaffirm for you that you're not to blame and then craft the best approach that helps facilitate the process. Also, paying close attention to how you really feel about having made this discovery will also be of benefit when you do approach him. For example, for some partners, their primary feeling is of betrayal, that he went outside the partnership for sexual satisfaction.

Another partner might feel unfazed that he uses porn, but rather, hurt that he didn't talk to her first about his use. So you can see that it's important to differentiate your own feelings on the topic which, if that's difficult for you to do, we encourage you to seek out a neutral person to talk with first before approaching him. Once you do decide to confront him, using "I" language will help him not immediately react defensively. Keep the focus on statements that begin with the pronoun, "I", as in "I was looking for a document on our computer this afternoon and I found a file which looked unfamiliar. I opened it and found pornography videos were hidden there and the file marked for another purpose. I am hoping this is something you can talk to me honestly about."

Gauge his reactions and proceed from there, again trying to stay calm and non-accusatory by using "I" language. The idea is to invite him into the conversation, not encourage him to run away. Though the potential certainly exists that you are angry about your discovery, it won't help you get to the truth faster if you attack him, though you might feel he deserves it. All it will do is make him hide, lie and make sure not to allow this confrontation to happen again. That would be at cross-purposes with your goal, which is to learn the truth about his pornography use. From there you can decide how to proceed with the information he gives you. Once again, we offer our Coaching here to assist you with taking on this often-challenging talk with your partner.
Note: We are making a downloadable booklet available soon which can give you a more in-depth guide to this potentially difficult confrontation.

How did I not know this compulsion was going on?

I (Lili) found it infuriating when I'd hear some other PoSAs talking at 12-step meetings that they always knew something was "up" with their SAC, so once they finally caught him, it wasn't that much of a surprise. Hearing this made me feel even more stupid than I already felt, because the truth was I never suspected my partner of anything! Yes, our sex life had dropped off significantly over time but I chalked that off to his stress, fatigue, the inevitable "taming" of initial passion, (all things he had told me) never imagining it was due to his redirecting his sexual energy towards other women.

After doing a lot of research, I found good reason for my "ignorance:" SACs usually go to great lengths to hide their secret compulsion. Part of that may stem from a desire to not upset you. Realize, too, that the farther into compulsivity the addict descends, the harder they'll work to ensure the illusion of themselves as a "good guy," a high-values kind of man (or woman). That way, they won't be confronted about any incongruence within the life they're leading. And that way, any shame or guilt about their activities gets to stay submerged below their level of conscious awareness.

The Addictive Complex they are now gripped by (think of it as a very hungry beast or a Vicious Taskmaster) starts to drive a wedge in between his true Self, the man who has a conscience and good values—and the Addictive Self with its dishonorable traits (like lying and cheating) designed to keep the addiction alive. This "split" inside the SAC then widens progressively as the addiction gains traction and eventually can exhaust the addict and bring him to hit bottom. But not before they've mastered the art of deception, both with themselves (denial) and with others. So, please take heart—chances are you could not have known about something great pains were taken to have kept hidden, especially when coupled with evidence of their "good" outward appearances.
—Lili

Terre's thoughts: I have always been amazed at the amount of self-recrimination we PoSAs heap upon ourselves around the “not knowing” piece of this. Between the New Age movement claiming that there are no perpetrators in relationships, or insisting that if we were really in touch with our intuition, we would have intuited his "straying;" and many in the 12-Step community calling us co-addicts, I want to say for the record: this is bunk!

When we discover a politician grafting millions of dollars of tax money for himself, do we call ourselves co-grafters? No! We are outraged and we prosecute. Something very wrong happened. We are angry and betrayed. Restitution must occur. Laws (read: boundaries) may need to be revisited to ensure that the violation does not occur in the future. Regulations may need to be enforced more vigorously. The day I am a co-grafter, is the day I am a co-addict. And the same day I allow the perpetrator to define me, by the way. Do you recall anyone ever asking a grafter to define the populace that he stole from? Um, no.

“Not knowing” was part of the deception on the SAC's part. Ultimately, he has to be responsible for his deception. Not me.

I may choose to sharpen my discernment and not so easily give my trust to him in the future to create my own safety, but me “not knowing” was part of his plan.

end faq