Introduction to POSARC

If you have discovered that your partner (or spouse) has been using pornography, cybersex, strip clubs, massage parlors, having affairs, using prostitutes or escort services, we know how these betrayals can traumatize you. PoSARC was created as a resource center to help you to regain your strength and heal using the trauma treatment model rather than the co-addict model.

If you find yourself experiencing painful reactions to your discoveries, you have come to the right place. Welcome. We know how it feels—we've been there, too. We at Posarc regard the often long-lasting effects of discovering such relational ruptures as traumas, rather than signs that you're necessarily a “co-addict or a codependent.”

As such, our approach to caring, educating and supporting the partners of porn/sex addicts reflects that perspective.

At Posarc, you'll encounter a vast array of free resources and fee-based counseling that will help you understand sexual compulsion, it's consequences, and help you regain balance, using trauma models to guide your healing. You can recover from this and you do not have to face this alone!

Whether or not your partner uses pornography (or any other sexual acting out) once in a while, or has developed a strong compulsion for it, doesn't matter here. What does matter is if YOU are being negatively affected.

If you are experiencing:
anger/rage
sadness
confusion
grief
betrayal
rejection
low self-esteem
disappointment
depression

…or any number of other symptoms as a result of finding out about your partner's involvement with pornography or other sexual acting out, it is essential for you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There are hundreds of thousands of others who are suffering (often silently) as they attempt to come to grips with the frequently devastating effects of their partner's sexual "habits." We're glad you found your way here…

Here you will find answers, comfort, hope and signposts for your healing. Everything you find here is a result of our direct experience as partners of sex addicts/compulsives (PoSAs), as well as information we've found researching books, educational films, seminars, 12-Step groups, healing retreats for codependents, and literally thousands of hours of both individual as well as couple's therapy—and countless hours we've spent listening to (and counseling, when asked to) others who were traumatized by their discoveries. The viewpoints we express are distilled from all of these various modalities, however, they are uniquely our own. As a result, at times our perspectives may be perceived as alternately "unorthodox" or progressive. You are welcome to use what you can and feel free to discard anything that does not resonate as helpful to you.

A few things to keep in mind as you visit with us:

We pride ourselves on our inclusion of all spouses and partners of sexual compulsives. That means we need to discuss sex, religion and politics straight away.

Sex:

We make no distinctions regarding your gender or sexual orientation. Straight or gay, male or female, you are welcome here if you are partnered with a sexual compulsive. We call ourselves PoSAs, which is an acronym that stands for "Partners of Sex Addicts" and you'll see the word "PoSA" throughout this site as we refer to ourselves.

We use the feminine gender to refer to partners and the masculine to refer to the addict/compulsive. Please alter the pronouns to apply to your situation. We recognize that both addicts and partners can be either gender.

Wherever you see the acronym "SAC", we're referring to the sex addict/compulsive. We've had many debates on whether to call them addicts or compulsives but in the end, every PoSA has to find the term s/he's most comfortable with using.

Religion/Spirituality—or not:

We believe true recovery is possible for everyone regardless of their philosophy, religion or lack of religion altogether. You need not believe in a God, Goddess or have a spiritual practice. You simply need to be a human whose partner compulsively acts out sexually. This hurts so deeply that you may feel as betrayed by the Divine as you do by your own partner. We understand that.

Once compulsion commandeers the sexual compulsive and thereby infects our relationships, our spirituality may be challenged. Our experience is that those with an established spiritual life will ultimately find that dimension deepened during recovery. Non-believers may find themselves exploring a newfound spirituality in their recovery journey. Or it might be that the strength and love you find in your recovery group reminds you that you have support outside yourself in a new and powerful way. It is often true that our depths are discovered in the crucible of searing, agonizing pain. And we've never met a sexual compulsive (SAC) or their partner (PoSA) who wasn't in agony.

Politics:

We stand for intimacy in relationships and that has no politics. Actually pornography has no politics either—it's a collection of objectified body parts (usually moving in a way that roughly features the demonstration of power over others). Nothing intimate or fully human. Only people can have politics, whole people with all their messy humanness fully present. As people, we stand for deepening and strengthening intimacy. There is simply so much to do on the very personal and immediate level, we refuse to discuss larger political issues. We are not looking to blame any person, group or policy for the current state of affairs.

Our purpose is to return intimacy to relationships. And even the most powerful governments in the world combined cannot legislate or implement that in your life. Only you and your partner can do that. We walk aside you in your increasing capacity for intimacy, present for you in a very personal way.

We feel greatly blessed to be of service to you in this way. We thank you for your trust in sharing your journey with us, through visiting our site.

Lili and Terre