POSA™ Blog

Whenever any good news comes my way related to sex addicts recovering, I like to report it. It's hard enough getting hopeless and depressed by the amount of sexual acting out going on in the culture. That's why I'm inspired whenever I learn that thereare those addicts who want this affliction behind them, who are keenly aware of how it's damaged themselves and others.

The young artist who wrote the song in the video here, Jason Chu, is one such man. He writes candidly about first becoming hooked at 11 years old by the "angels" in lingerie store windows at the mall and then about his subsequent fall into pornography addiction.
(I know none of you know the name of the mega-chain of lingerie stores he's referring to when he mentions "angels". Nope, not a one of you.)

Dear Posarc:

I'm totally lost in a very painful sea and your website is helping me more specifically than any other resources can.

I struggle through a cycle of various painful concerns, but for the last several days my main concern has been my body image. Logically, I understand that I could be Helen of Troy and it wouldn't stop him from looking at porn. But, I have thoroughly internalized the message that I'm not pretty, sexy, or "fit" enough to really do it for him.

Can you point me in the direction of help with this?

Thank you,
Lauren Jones

Dear Lauren-

Since there is such universality in your question and this exact issue only gets brought up in my private sessions with clients oh, about 10 times a week, I thought I'd write a blog post to respond to your question. I know so very many others feel as you do. I certainly did.

Esquire Magazine, ironically the very same magazine that runs annual special editions of the 'hottest' women in film, on TV, etc. complete with highly sexualized photo layouts of them hit a home run with this article on porn addiction and why young men are quitting.

It may just be the first article on this topic I've read in this extremely popular men's magazine that didn't include the usual porn apologist sections. None. I'm very impressed.

Equally impressive is the fact that the journalist, 29-year old Sam Parker, did not focus on the more common side-effect of prodigious porn use, erectile dysfunction. One might surmise that a men's magazine would focus there, what with the big bummer of intending to boost one's solo sex life only to find oneself utterly incapable of having a sex life because of equipment malfunction that even pharmaceuticals designed to counter that effect often can't help with.

I receive a lot of e-mail from readers but yesterday a long-time PoSARC reader gave a gift to all PoSAs out in the world so I decided to post it to the blog today:

Hello
My name is Jacque C. I attend a POSA meeting in Oak Park, Illinois. I shared this poem with my support group today, all of us partners of sex addicts. I was encouraged to e-mail it to you for possible consideration for the website. I will include a bit of context.

I am the partner of a sex addict. It has been three traumatic, long years since my first discovery of my husband's addiction. We have been married for 33 years, have 3 adult children and 6 grandchildren. Today after many months of hope, prayer, waiting, watching, and seeing no recovery in him I came to the decision to file for divorce. The day I filed, I read a verse in Psalms 1 that talked about "a tree firmly planted by streams of water"….as a response to this journey, my future and what I have learned from it so far, I wrote a poem that really applies to any partner on this very long, difficult process, no matter the outcome. This is true about me and you!

This blogpost is dedicated to all women everywhere. The past and present Mothers of the world!

Every day, my POSA clients tell me horror stories about the myriad, ever-increasing ways that men act out their anger and feelings of powerlessness against women through their sexual exploitations. I hear stories that through and through, ring to me of the debasement of self and others.

And today I received an e-mail from a POSA client saying that the fact that it was Mother's Day only highlighted all the ways her sexually-compulsive husband has transmogrified her sexuality, that part of her that she had always kept sacred for him.

Every day since autumn, I've peered into a gigantic construction pit which will eventually become the city's tallest residential building- directly across the street from me here in Manhattan. Breaking through granite to dig a deep enough foundation to support a 52-story highrise means non-stop noise from rock-breaking machines, cranes and bulldozers.

But my jangled nerves begin to calm down and I can feel the tension loosen it's grip as soon as I cross Park Avenue and see that just steps away from the insane construction cacophony, Nature could care less about all that: She is very busy herself, heralding the arrival of a long-awaited spring in the Northeast.

I always feel blessed when a PoSARC reader or a client sends in their story, their favorite song, or something else of significance that's helping move them through their experience as a POSA. Yesterday, a PoSARC reader in New Zealand sent me what I feel is an incredible poem.

In her words, she describes her journey as the partner of a sex addict using viscerally powerful and evocative metaphors.

After telling her how deeply I was able to connect to the emotion in her words, I asked if she would allow me to publish it here. Fortunately for us, she was honored to share it with all our PoSARC readers.

I hope it'll move you as much as it did me---Lili Bee

(Thank you for your generosity, E.C., and for your artful rendering of this passage in your life.)

"Each week, the PoSARC inbox is filled with all kinds of e-mails requesting help. But hands down, our largest percentage of mail contains questions directed to the small handful of addicts in recovery I work with who occasionally donate their time to answer the questions I put before them. What I glean from reading all of these e-mails is what I call the million-dollar question: "How can you (the sex addict) do these behaviors when you're in a relationship? What were you thinking?"

I always feel a little saner when I read those because it helps me know that I wasn't the only one who was beyond vexed by this right after Discovery and in the next few years afterwards.